Are you ready to play, boys and girls? All righty then. Who said,

"You, American mother, if the Pentagon calls to tell you that your son is coming home in a coffin, then remember George Bush. And you, British wife, if the Defense Department calls you to say that your husband is returning crippled and burnt, remember Tony Blair."

Eh?

Was it leading anti-war activist, Cindy Sheehan?

Was it Daily Kos?

Was it Congressman John Murtha?

Was it Senators Kerry or Rodham Clinton?

Nope. It's none of those. It's {insert drumroll here}...AYMAN AL-ZAWAHIRI!, CURRENT #2 IN AL-QAEDA!

When your rhetoric comes out sounding exactly like that of an Egyptian nutjob terrorist, you might want to rethink how you word things.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:10 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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As in, "That is..."

{...}SPIELBERG: I think we all have been given our marching orders ... Maybe I shouldn't get into this. [Pause] I just feel that filmmakers are much more proactive since the second Bush administration. I think that everybody is trying to declare their independence and state their case for the things that we believe in. No one is really representing us, so we're now representing our own feelings, and we're trying to strike back.

So Bush has been good for film?
SPIELBERG: I wouldn't just say Bush. The whole neo-conservative movement.

CLOONEY: Because it's polarizing. I'm not going to sit up and say, "This is how you should think." But let's at least acknowledge that there should be an open debate, and not be told that it's unpatriotic to ask questions. Steven, you're taking it from all sides right now.

SPIELBERG: [Laughs] I feel wildly popular.

Did you expect the political reaction to "Munich" to be this heated?
SPIELBERG: I knew we were going to receive a volley from the right. I was surprised that we received a much smaller, but no less painful, volley from the left. It made me feel a little more aware of the dogma, and the Luddite position people take any time the Middle East is up for discussion.

So many fundamentalists in my own community, the Jewish community, have grown very angry at me for allowing the Palestinians simply to have dialogue and for allowing Tony Kushner to be the author of that dialogue. "Munich" never once attacks Israel, and barely criticizes Israel's policy of counterviolence against violence. It simply asks a plethora of questions. It's the most questioning story I've ever had the honor to tell. For that, we were accused of the sin of moral equivocation. Which, of course, we didn't intend—and we're not guilty of.{...}

See, here's the thing. I like Spielberg. I like Spielberg's movies. I think, on the whole, he's a decent man. And he made Schindler's List which is a movie I can only watch on rare occasions because it moves me to explore the wells of sympathy that I know I possess yet rarely like to plumb because it's painful to do so. He's a man who, most would think, is on the right side of the moral equation. He knows right from wrong. He knows how to tell an entertaining story, and no one can deny that he's been very successful at telling tales, but...

...when I read that these words, "I just feel that filmmakers are much more proactive since the second Bush administration. I think that everybody is trying to declare their independence and state their case for the things that we believe in. No one is really representing us, so we're now representing our own feelings, and we're trying to strike back." came from his mouth, I don't exactly feel sympathetic, ya dig? Poor widdle Stevie Spielberg is feeling disenfranchised. He's not feeling "represented." So he's, "striking back."

Fight the powers that be!

/channelling Public Enemy

Forgive me while I bend over and laugh myself silly.

It's absurd. Ludicrous. And any other number of adjectives that describe how just plain dumb it is that Spielberg thinks he's disenfranchised. That he's not being represented, that he has to fight to get his ideas out there to beat back the awful phenomenon that is neo-conservatism, even if it appears he's using The Guardian's lax, imprecise, and boogeyman-ish definition of that particular school of international relations theory. He would have us believe he's just one more Ordinary Joe fighting the powers that be.

Well, Stevie, really. Sell your crazy elsewhere, we're all stocked up here.

This man could get a hangnail. If he wanted to, he could publicize the fact that he had a hangnail, and everyone in the world would pay attention. CNN would run stories on Spielberg's hangnail, and would bring on doctors to discuss what would happen should said hangnail become infected. The pundity-doctors would then go on to discuss whether neosporin should be used to clear up his infected hangnail, or if he should just expose it to air and let nature take its course. I could go on, but I think you get the picture, eh, my devoted Cake Eater Readers.

Spielberg has clout. He has it in Hollywood. He has it everywhere in the world. He has it because, ahem, he's earned it. He's worked hard to make his mark, and he's done precisely that. And yet, for some strange reason, he wants us to believe that's not the case. That's he just one more disaffected, early-21st Century Dude who has no say in the way things are run.

No, Stevie. I dont have a say in the way things are run. You, Stevie, are the establishment. There's a bit of a difference. Learn it, please. You're making a fool of yourself.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:13 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Because I can't quite help myself.

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Again, I'll keep updating if you keep refreshing.

• Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to have a theme song specifically for this award show? Anyone? Anyone? I didn't think so. This is SO LAME!
• Adrien Brody---cravat. Not a word you use every day, eh? And there's a reason for that.
• Ok, all Rachel Weisz needs in her hairdo is a pheasant and her ascension to the throne of "Queen of Big Hair" will be complete. Oy.
• Forgive me for stating the obvious here, but---AISLES, people! Aisles.
• Sheila's also liveblogging.
• GET A BRA, DREW! I actually shrieked with horror when I saw her. Girl needs some support. Big time.
• HAHAHAHAHA Geena Davis!
• Ok, so we're rooting for Dr. House. Just in case you were wondering.
• HOT DAMN! It's about time! Funny speech, too.

  

• I could say SO much about Melanie Griffith, well, I just can't narrow it down. Let your imaginations wander people.
• Need more wine, be right back. Liveblogging just isn't liveblogging unless there's some sort of alcohol available.
• Steve Carrell won! I love that "his wife" wrote his acceptance speech. That's funny!
• So, how awful did Pamela Anderson look, eh? She looked so tacky that it's almost hardly worth talking about, but this does quite handily segue into the topic of tattoos. As in, you won't be able to wear a gorgeous gown if you get one. It just looks awful. Ugh
• Wash your hair Tim!

  

• Ok, Keira Knightly had BETTER NOT WIN for Pride and Prejudice I'm throwing down if that happens.
• Everyone's safe. Thanks Reese for beating the snot out of that travesty version of P&P

  
  I'll even post her picture because I'm so happy Keira lost. And she does look pretty, too, doesn't she?

• HAHAHAHAHAHA! How funny is it that the Desperate Housewives got shut out? I love Mary Louise Parker! Billy Crudup is an idiot. Really and truly.
• And while we're on the subject, Claire Danes is a BIG TIME HOMEWRECKER
• How funny is Emma Thompson! Even if she is introducing the clip of that TRAVESTY OF A FILM!
• Sheila and I are on the same wavelength: Eric Bana---Good God is he hot!
• If S. Epatha wins, do you think she'll lose her acceptance speech in her cleavage again?
• A moment of silence for Colin Firth!
• Dating Calista Flockhart has NOT been good for Harrison. Poor man. OMG. I thought he was just faking being a wee bit lit on stage, but he actually had a cocktail up there! That wasn't a prop! That's just sad.
• I love that Larry McMurtry thanked his typewriter for keeping him out of the "dry embrace of the computer." How wonderful. It totally fits that Larry McMurtry would use a typewriter. I can't imagine any of the wonderful work he's produced coming from a computer.
• Mr. H. declared yesterday that he thinks that Josh dude (can't remember how to spell his last name) from Las Vegas is really hot. I was kind of surprised, because he's not really Mr. H's type, but I can understand.
• Am I the only one on the planet who doesn't watch Desperate Housewives and who honestly couldn't care less that they won? I think I must be. Everyone else looks really bored with the award they just won, too. That doesn't bode well for the future, if you ask me.
• Penelope Cruz looked like ass!
• Mmmmmm. Boom-Boom. Go King Fu Hustle!
• Damn. Kung Fu Hustle was shafted in favor of a movie about homicide bombers.
• Ummm, I hate to tell you this, but there isn't a "Palestine." Those people are from Israel. Even if they don't want to admit it.
• So, I didn't listen to John Williams' score for Memoirs of a Geisha. Who'd he plagiarize this time?
• HONESTLY, Mariah! What's up with those titties? Sheesh, honey! Find out if there's a money back guarantee on those puppies and see if you can't do something about that. Yikes!

  

• I'm saying it again: Gwyneth's dress is awful. And what's up with the way she's speaking? Has she suddenly adopted an English accent after living there?
• Oh, loving that they showed a clip from The Lion in Winter for Sir Anthony's award.
• Look at the super young Mel Gibson!
• Oh God, I'd forgotten how wonderful Sir Anthony was in Amistad as John Quincy Adams.
• I LOVED that they gave Hannibal the Cannibal his full due!
• GWYNETH! IT'S ANTHONY NOT "ANTONY". Why would you say it that way when the rest of the Western World says it the other way? As Eddie Izzard would say, "Because there's a fucking 'H' in it." Sheesh.
• Opie's scaring me with his beard.

  

• Sheila: "- Gwyneth - his name is ANTHONY. Not ANTONY. Knock it off with the accent, you puffed-sleeve phony." Bwahahahahahaa. We're so on the same wavelength with this one!
• Clint is looking so ragged.
• Peter Jackson is SOOOOOO on Atkins.

  

• Is Pierce Brosnan's wife pregnant again? She looks rather large.

  UPDATE: Nope. NOT preggers.

  

• I haven't seen any of these movies, but I'm glad Joaquin won. He did sound just like Johnny Cash. "Who'd ever thought I'd win in the comedy or musical category?" Tee hee. Nice to know he's got a sense of humor about himself. You kind of have to wonder sometimes, he seems so intense. I hate to say it, but DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN DO I MISS HIS BROTHER! Poor Joaquin. I shouldn't say that, because it's his big moment and he shouldn't have to deal with always being compared to his brother, but since I write about Joaquin and River Phoenix exactly, oh, once in the three years I've written this blog---meaning this is the first time ever, well, I'm going to say it: man, I miss River.
• Tim McGraw choked up talking about the Cash's. Wow. That's kind of cool.
• Uh-oh. It's the chubby cheeker! Look out!

  You knew it was coming, didn't you?

  Sheila: "Renee - what is your problem? I hate your sour face. I hate your whispery passive-aggressive voice. I hate your up-from-under-the-eyelids look you seem to find so attractive. Nice dress though. But hateful personality." Ouch.

• OH THANK GOD! It's official. This newish version of Pride and Prejudice sucks rocks. Mmmmhmmm.
• Oh, Jane Seymour is so happy for her husband who produced Walk the Line she's crying. That's so sweet.
• Deborah Messing's dress isn't a dress...it's a muumuu! Oy! The flavor of the islands and all, honey. I can understand that, but YIKES!
• Oh, hurrah! Lost won for best tee vee series! WOOHOOO! I'm so glad, now if J.J.Abrams doesn't let the writers go all over the fucking board again, like he did with Alias where no one can keep track of all of the subplots, I'll be a happy woman. PLEASE, people, I beg you: plot it out!
• Have I mentioned that my sister M.L. and my brother Tim played shuffleboard at a bar with Dennis Quaid last March? Yeah. Not real happy I wasn't with my siblings that night.
• With that goatee Leonardo looks like a half-assed magician who'd play at your kid's birthday party.
• I'm glad Felicity won. I haven't seen Transamerica but I FREAKIN' LOVED SPORTSNIGHT! and since I think that show should still be on, I was rooting for her. Don't you love my logic?
• Not invested in the best actor award at all. I'm glad Phillip Seymour Hoffman won if for no other reason than Boogie Nights.
• Sheila: "I'm inappropriately pissed off at Jamie Foxx's sunglasses. I really need to let it go." NOOOOOOO. DON'T LET IT GO! It was incredibly rude!
• Not really surprised about Brokeback Mountain winning best picture.
• Ok, it's over with EARLY. The Oscar people need to take a lesson from the people who run this one. Honestly. Ditching the musical numbers doesn't hurt anyone. I'm serious. PUHLEEEZE, Oscar people, take a lesson. I'm begging you!

Posted by: Kathy at 07:06 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Ok...watching E's! Live from the Red Carpet. I'll keep updating if you keep refreshing.

• Isaac Mizrahi, love him, but he's not a great interviewer. Neither is this Guiliana person who is making a COMPLETE ASS out of herself talking to David Strahairn---and she's asking him about the limo ride over to the show
• OHMYGOD---they've got that girl that got rejected from The View doing commentary! What's her name! Debbie Somethinorother. Aiiiieeeeeeee! I thought she died.

• So, there haven't been any "what the hell was she thinking?" moments just yet. And that's pissing me off. I need material here, people!
• Oh, I'll take that back. Thanks for that, Gwenyth. THAT'S THE MOST HIDEOUS THING I'VE EVER SEEN! Oy. You're not supposed to wear your kid's christening gown!

  

• The husband when he saw Scarlett Johanssen: "HEELLLLOOOO!" I can't find a picture of her, but if you saw that dress, the word "cantilever" will make a great deal of sense.

  

  Get what I'm saying?

UPDATE: Here's one just for Russ.

Posted by: Kathy at 06:01 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Well, it looks like Pat Robertson's really done it this time:

JERUSALEM -Israel will not do business with Pat Robertson after the evangelical leader suggested Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke was divine punishment for the Gaza withdrawal, a tourism official said Wednesday.

Robertson is leading a group of evangelicals who have pledged to raise $50 million to build a large Christian tourism center in Israel's northern Galilee region, where tradition says Jesus lived and taught.

But Avi Hartuv, a spokesman for Tourism Minister Avraham Hirschson, said Israeli officials were furious with Robertson, a Christian broadcaster. A day after Sharon's Jan. 4 stroke, Robertson said the prime minister was being punished for "dividing God's land," — a reference to last summer's pullout from the Gaza Strip and four West Bank settlements.

"We can't accept this kind of statement," Hartuv said.

He said the Christian Heritage Center project was now in question, though he left the door open to develop it with others.

"We will not do business with him, only with other evangelicals who don't back these comments," Hartuv said. "We will do business with other evangelical leaders, friends of Israel, but not with him."{...}

Pat Robertson: his big, fat mouth delayed the Second Coming of Christ.

You think the Evangelicals who watch the 700 Club will be happy about this development? I think a hooker has a better chance of being caught up by the Rapture than Robertson has of getting out of this with his skin intact.

Posted by: Kathy at 09:52 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 No, a hooker has a better chance of getting out of this than Robertson has of being caught up by the Rapture.

Posted by: Bob at January 11, 2006 10:31 AM (yMzz+)

2 "Pat Robertson: his big, fat mouth delayed the Second Coming of Christ." Heh.

Posted by: Doug at January 11, 2006 11:16 AM (oiTVK)

3 In the minds of people who live in the real world, Pat has lost it. Not surprisingly however, his fans think he's courageous: http://www.jnewswire.com/library/article.php?articleid=942 Beam me up.

Posted by: EveningStar at January 11, 2006 05:02 PM (xr/uv)

4 Say, do you think that Pat Robertson believes in Karma after this?

Posted by: Pious Agnostic at January 11, 2006 06:07 PM (A9wtV)

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Look for Oprah to rid herself of her book club---again---in the very near future.

Then look for an episode where she talks about how betrayed she feels about all of this and how the emotional upheaval caused her to eat five fried chickens and some plain white toast.

{Hat tip: Miss Margi}

Posted by: Kathy at 02:01 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Hmmm.

NORFOLK, Va. — Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land."

"God considers this land to be his," Robertson said on his TV program "The 700 Club." "You read the Bible and he says `This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, `No, this is mine.'"

Sharon, who ordered Israel's withdrawal from Gaza last year, suffered a severe stroke on Wednesday.

In Robertson's broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network in Virginia Beach, the evangelist said he had personally prayed about a year ago with Sharon, whom he called "a very tender-hearted man and a good friend." He said he was sad to see Sharon in this condition.

He also said, however, that in the Bible, the prophet Joel "makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.'"

Sharon "was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU (European Union), the United Nations, or the United States of America," Robertson said.{...}

So, according to Robertson's logic, if I took Robertson out, I could claim God wanted me to do it because He was mad at Pat for all his idiotic statements. Because there's some bit in the Bible---God only knows where it is---about not listening to false prophets and God just wanted to mete out some justice and I was His vessel.

Right?

{hat tip: Everyone's Favorite Commie Pinko}

Posted by: Kathy at 10:38 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 I like it! Can I help, huh? That way I can be God's vessel too?? No point you get all the praise!

Posted by: Ally at January 06, 2006 09:10 AM (ZnGgh)

2 It seems to me God's not particularly hindered by such idiots. Still, isn't it about time we Christians turn to Pat Robertson and all shouted in unison, "Would you just shut-the-eff-up?" Love Scott Ott's take -- http://www.scrappleface.com/?p=2129

Posted by: Bob at January 06, 2006 01:41 PM (yMzz+)

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The husband was finally able to visit his preferred cigar vendor yesterday.

The branch shop the husband used to visit was shut down recently due to decreased sales because of the increase in tobacco taxation health impact fees, so he had to visit the main shop downtown. He finally got this done, and because it was above freezing yesterday afternoon, the husband and I decided to go for a walk after we bought our Powerball ticket.

So, we've purchased what we think, of course, will be the winner and we're meandering our way through Cake Eater downtown when we come upon the Grandmothers for Peace. Every Wednesday, these women take up real estate on corners in Cake Eater downtown and flash signs that read "End the Occupation," or "Peace" or "Out of Iraq Now" to the passing traffic. Some people honk. Most drive by in silence. If it's warmer, some people yell obscenities. The husband---now happily smoking his cigar in the chilly, early evening air---and I avoid these women on two different corners as we cross the street. I keep my mouth shut and keep walking. Suddenly I notice I'm all alone. (It's Minnesota and it's chilly outside: you keep your head down.)

The husband had left me. To go and "chat" with one of the Grandmas.

As I was about fifteen feet beyond him and I couldn't hear what he said to them.

But I did see how they responded to whatever it was he said.

They stuck their protest signs up in such a way as to ward him off, like he was a disease. And they did it like they were little kids. One of the women was agitated and started waving her sign in front of the husband's face. After a moment's conversation, he turned and walked away.

He caught up with me a moment later and I asked him what he said to have them respond in such a way. He replied that he'd simply said that ten thousand little girls in Iraq now get to go to school.

How bloody childish can you get? Did she say anything? No. Did she tell the husband she was glad to hear his opinion, even if she disagreed with it? No. She waved her sign in his face. As if he was a vampire and it was a bulb of garlic meant to ward him off.

Which leads me to this thought, my devoted Cake Eater readers: in the restaurant of life, pacifists dine and dash. They're thieves. They eat the good food, they drink the good wine, they enjoy the ambience of the restaurant, but when the tab comes to the table, they get up and run because they won't pay the bill. It's not that they can't pay the bill; it's that they won't. They've made a conscious choice to say, hey, I love all that society has to offer, but I love it so much more than the average person, I won't pay for it because I believe it should all be free. And then runs out the door before someone can stop them.

Oh, sure, theoretically they're allowed. They're allowed to say all they want, until their faces turn blue and their tongues fall out. That's the beauty of free speech. But most of us realize that freedom isn't free. It never has been and it never will be. Freedom requires sacrifice and these pacifists, these Grandmothers for Peace, will never be willing to make any sacrifice to serve the greater good. It's not because they can't make the sacrifice; it's because they won't make the sacrifice. They want everything good, but they don't want to pay for it. They're freeloaders. They dine and dash.

How well do you think that goes over with the waitstaff?

Posted by: Kathy at 05:38 PM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
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From the 2006 Worst Case Scenario Daily Survival Calendar:

{Clicket on the image for larger.}

It's such a dangerous calendar it requires a liability waiver.

Now that's a calendar!

Posted by: Kathy at 09:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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