This is going to seem a lot like inside baseball talk to those of you who don't read the FT on Thursdays---or ever---but this has just been so incredibly well done, I have to comment on it. Last week, we had some delivery issues and I was only informed this morning that I missed the resolution I'd been waiting for! I'm kind of pisssed off that, of all days, the delivery routine was goofed, but alas, there is this wonderful thing called the Internet and, fortunately, the resolution has been archived.

Every Thursday, Martin Lukes' column is published in the FT---or at least it was until around Christmas time, when his last column appeared. Until recently, Martin was the freshly-appointed transplant CEO of a-b global, an Atlanta based company, when he was arrested and tried on insider trading charges. Having been found guilty on four counts of insider trading, he was sentenced to two years and three months in a federal correctional facility in Florida. Apparently, his son, Jake, a trader, ratted him out to the Feds to save his own skin.

Now, Martin is quite the innovative business leader, as detailed in this article:

{...}His first - and some would say greatest - contribution to management thinking came in 2001 when he coined the term Creovation™, a deceptively profound hybrid of creativity and innovation. Over the following seven years this concept was much imitated by other leading corporations, though never bettered. Even General Electric, much revered for its management methods, followed Mr Lukes by launching its "Ecomagination" initiative, which experts criticised as a feeble imitation of the original.

Above all Mr Lukes was a man of paradox. He was a master of spin yet understood the power of authenticity - his sign-off to his cult CEO blog Mind Bullets from the Chairman was "Keep it authentic". He was also a world-class communicator. Reuben Smart, founder of the image consultancy ifwhatwhy!?, said: "At the end of the day, Martin Lukes reached out in a uniquely motivational way to set a benchmark for global practitioners in the communications space."{...]

While, undoubtedly, the fact that his ex-wife is now at the helm of a-b global (and is doing quite well with it) stings, at least his current wife and mother of his triplets is sticking by him. Also, according to his co-author, Lucy Kellaway, his post-incarceration prospects look great. He just has to bide his time in prison, and I'm sure he'll come back roaring.

Now, most of you, my devoted Cake Eater readers, are probably wondering, 'why is she calling this the best gag ever?' Well, it's because of this: Martin Lukes doesn't really exist. He's an amalgam of the worst of business speak and corporate leadership, rolled into one fictitious character, meant to skewer the conventional business thought of this particular day and age. He's the creation of Lucy Kellaway, and while I haven't been reading his column as long as some people have, I'm nonetheless going to miss Martin's exploits. (My personal favorite was while he was on a junket to Svalbard, to launch a-b global's green initiative, and he shot a rampaging polar bear. Of course he fired off his shotgun in self-defense, but he managed to escape any serious ramifications by means of his incredible mastery of PR.)

If you've got some time to kill, and are looking for some entertaining reading, I would highly recommend perusing the archive of Martin's past columns. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll claim it was much better than Cats. I swear.

Posted by: Kathy at 10:11 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No, really.

Retired hospital porter Steve Smith, who is suffering from a potentially fatal heart defect, won almost 19 million pounds ($38 million) on Britain's National Lottery -- but said he would give it all up if he could spend a few more years living with his wife Ida.

"I have a one in 10 chance of living. It's like a ticking time bomb," said the 58-year-old Smith, enjoying a bittersweet glass of celebratory champagne with his wife Ida.

Smith, who has an aortic aneurysm, told reporters when collecting his check: "It's Ida I worry for, it's leaving her behind. I would give all that back if I am allowed to still be with her because there are no shops in the cemetery are there?"{...}

It's nice to know in this day and age of people bickering endlessly over pennies on the dollar, that someone's got his priorities straight.

Posted by: Kathy at 06:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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...your garden variety internet catfight?

It would appear that there are going to be protests in various cities on February 10th.

I have no idea about any of this stuff, but it sure is fascinating to watch. Although that doll in the video is WAY creepy.

Posted by: Kathy at 07:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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To: Any future dischargees I might handle sometime in the near future
From: Moi, your volunteer with the mostest
Re: Behavior

Dudes, seriously. It's not my fault if your ride shows up at the wrong door. Don't take the fact you have to wait a bit while we sort things out on me, eh? I'm just the girl with the wheelchair.

The same goes if your doctor prescribes you a drug with a whopping co-pay. Don't throw a fit in the discharge pharmacy and then lump me in with the pharmacist when you scream, "You're all just a no-good lot of bloodsuckers!"

Again, I'm just the girl with the wheelchair.

To: The Nurses
From: Moi, your volunteer with the mostest
Re: Transfers

People, I'm more than happy to give someone a wheelchair ride to wherever they need to go---really and truly, I am---but I can't do it if they have an IV attached. It's against regulations---and you know this because the job generally falls to you when this occurs. So, even if the guy is going to have his IV locked off sometime in the next half hour, don't call me until the IV is gone. Otherwise, I'm just standing around, when I could be doing something exciting. Like a blood bank run. The chances that Dracula could intercept me, and whisk me away to Transylvania for an eternity of blood sucking, decrease dramatically when you do this.

Posted by: Kathy at 04:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Damn, that kid's pretty sharp.

{ht: Ace}

Posted by: Kathy at 06:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Check this out:

I have absolutely no idea if this is for real, and I suspect it's not, but wouldn't it be super duper suh-weet if it was?

Let me know when the fighting starts. I need to stock up on popcorn.

{ht: wwtdd}

UPDATE from The Husband: I find it curious...that when you enter the following search string into Google (anonymous scientology challenge puppies fish oil), the first result is this {link}.

Posted by: Kathy at 06:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Bond people are back to their Inquisition-like ways by announcing the title of the twenty-second film in the series: Quantum of Solace

{...}Co-producer Michael Wilson said the title was taken from a short story by Ian Fleming, the author who created Bond.

"We thought it was an intriguing title and referenced what is happening to Bond and what happens in the film," he told reporters.

{...}Several reporters at the press launch questioned whether the film makers should have opted for a snappier title. A blogger for the Guardian newspaper was already asking whether it was the "worst Bond title ever?"

Craig defended the name. "At the end of the last movie his heart's been broken and he doesn't have that quantum of solace, he doesn't have that ... closure on what happened in his life and he needs to find out," he told Reuters in an interview.

"What is great about it is it also applies to something very important in the plot," he said during a break from filming.{...}

I told the husband about the title whilst we were chatting earlier and he said, "{...} undoubtedly the plot will involve some goofy, dumbed down high-end physics - hence the name." Way to call it, darlin'!

This has got to be, hands down, the dumbest Bond film title of any of these films---and that's saying something, because there are some serious, dumbass titles on record already. Anyone remember License to Kill(OB-vious!) or Moonraker (who wants that job?), The Spy Who Loved Me (uh, hate to tell you this, but James isn't into the concept called 'love'.) Tomorrow Never Dies (what the hell is that supposed to mean?) or my personal favorite, Octopussy (let's avoid going there, shall we?)? I could go on, but really. Quantum of Solace? What the hell were you people thinking? I realize that they're taking "Bond back to the beginning" and all that, but there's absolutely no reason why they have to stick with Fleming's title. After all, the man may have created a memorable character in Bond, but, all in all, he was a pretty crappy writer. But maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Five bucks says it won't make it past the focus groups.

Gah. So, the torture has started. Good times. Good times! I simply wish these people would shut the hell up, work on the film and then release it! Stop with the press conferences already!

Posted by: Kathy at 01:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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One of my favorite things is watching people get made over. It's fun and it satisfies my need for instant gratification, like when I want chips and I open up a bag of Fritos and begin to chow down In other words, it's good fun, but, unlike the chips, doesn't add any poundage to my already fine wide arse. Since Trinny and Susannah are no longer the backbone of BBCAmerica, I find myself watching the American version of What Not to Wear on a regular basis, and even though I still feel the need to bitchslap Stacy London for being, well, a monstrously bitchy poseur with waaaay too many pairs of gorgeous Louboutins at her disposal, I find that, if I switch channels when she becomes annoying, it nonetheless satisfies my jones. But I still want more, and fortunately, one of our friends has obliged me.

As I mentioned in this post, the husband is now getting his hair cut by one of his regular (and favorite) customers, Christopher Hopkins. Christopher has earned the moniker "The Makeover Guy" over the years as, well, it's what he does---and he does it well. So well, in fact, that he's got a book coming out at the beginning of May, entitled Staging Your Comeback: A Complete Beauty Revival for Women Over 45. Christopher gets it, to put it simply. He knows that beauty is about maximizing what you've got, and sorting out the fine art of the optical illusion to make you look your best, and with this project he's been working with middle-aged women, who are struggling with what time has done to them and gives them solutions to counteract it, while still managing to look age appropriate and fabulous. Check out this video he's put up on YouTube and see what the man can do.

Amazing, no?

And, yes, he really is as nice and as funny as he appears to be.

The husband and I are very excited and happy that his book is coming out soon and hope it does very, very well---and will do what we can to ensure that outcome---so you, my devoted Cake Eater readers, can expect a few more plugs in the coming months.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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So, a couple of weeks ago, more spam found its way into the Cake Eater mailbox.

The only thing different about this and the crap that the Minnesotans for Romney and Nigerian oil scammers keep dumping into my mailbox is that it came from a live email address---with a living, breathing human being on the receiving end. The email was from a PR rep, promoting a book, and it was full of information about the author and the work that he was so diligently plugging. I found out that the email was live when I replied and told the guy to take me off his list, because I generally don't comment on books that I haven't read. Thinking nothing of it, I sent the email off into the netherworld. Shortly thereafter, a reply came flying back via the interwebs, and I was surprised to be offered a review copy of the book, along with the promise to make the author available for interviews and podcasts.

Momentarily stunned, I nonetheless jumped on the chance to get a free book. It was even something I might read, so that sweetened the pot a bit, and I gave the guy my address and he said he'd send a copy straight out. I received the copy yesterday and I'm almost done with it. It's not highbrow fiction, but rather a thriller, so it's pretty much right up my alley. While it's definitely not the type of envelope I'm used to receiving from publishing companies (those are usually of the SASE variety, full to the brim with crap I sent them, which they duly recognized as crap and sent back.) it was pretty cool nonetheless.

But all of this begs the question: what the hell were these people thinking when they sent me, of all people, that email in the first place? While I'm all for free swag, and do definitely want to interview the guy, I mean, really. It's not like I'm Instapundit or anything. I have no illusions about my place in the blogging world, and I'm definitely not at the top of the heap, ya dig? But, hell, if someone wants to throw me a bone, I'll yank it out of midair and see what kind of meat I can get off it.

If nothing else, it's a new experience. And that, in the words of our fabulous felony committing housewife of the century, is a good thing.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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...Aussie actor, Heath Ledger, was found dead in his NY apartment yesterday. He was twenty-eight-years-old, and the father of a two-year-old daughter, Matilda. Rest In Peace.

I remember years ago, back when I used to read Vanity Fair on a monthly basis, they put Ledger on the cover and called him, "the next big thing," or something similarly asinine and completely out of perspective for a young actor who didn't really have anything remarkable under his belt. Which, of course, doesn't really mean anything other than that he'd had the good sense to hire a PR person who had access to the likes of Graydon Carter. Whoo. Big hairy deal. Vanity Fair is notorious for this sort of stuff. They do it all the time, and many a promising actor's career has gone up in flames (Gretchen Mol, thy name is legend). Surprisingly, Ledger slowly carved out a body of work that did, indeed, live up to the hype. While I never saw Brokeback Mountain, everyone who did and who talked to me about it said he was absolutely remarkable in it. I was---and am---sincerely looking forward to his portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight. If the trailer is anything to go by, well, it should be astonishing.

The coverage of his death isn't surprising, nor is the fact that he, probably, died of a drug overdose. What is surprising, although it shouldn't be, is that the Westboro Baptist Church is announcing that, yes, indeed, they will be picketing his funeral because of his portrayal of a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. (I would rather die than link the church, so here's a photo of the press release. If you want to go find them, type "G0d Hates Fags" into Google and see what pops up.)

{press release found at WWTDD, along with scintillating commentary}

Yes, these are the same people who regularly picket the funerals of soldiers, because, by their reasoning, the soldiers deserved to die in Iraq because America loves gays, hence America deserves to be punished with dead soldiers. They show up at the funerals to make this known, you know, in case someone couldn't follow their math.

Now they're going to picket a man's funeral because of a character he portrayed.

You know, I'm not a big fan of church bombings. Really, I'm not. I find them atrocious, reprehensible, ad nauseam, ad infinitum. But I might be willing to put aside that loathing for a minute or two if, perhaps, someone would put a big chunk of C4 under their foundation and blow them all to Kingdom Come during a Sunday service.

I mean, look at it this way: they could finally find out if God really is as pissed off about gays as they say He is. It's more about sending them on a fact finding mission than domestic terrorism. Really and truly.*

This is a work of satire, ok? Don't take it seriously.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:56 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The husband, internet God that he is, recently found this super duper coo-el tool: Pandora Radio.

This is radio that puts the Music Genome Project to work. To Wit:

A given song is represented by a vector containing approximately 150 genes. Each gene corresponds to a characteristic of the music, for example, gender of lead vocalist, level of distortion on the electric guitar, type of background vocals, etc. Rock and pop songs have 150 genes, rap songs have 350, and jazz songs have approximately 400. Other genres of music, such as world and classical, have 300-500 genes. The system depends on a sufficient number of genes to render useful results. Each gene is assigned a number between 1 and 5, and fractional values are allowed but are limited to half integers.[1] (The term genome is borrowed from genetics.)

Given the vector of one or more songs, a list of other similar songs is constructed using a distance function.

To create a song's genome, it is analyzed by a musician in a process that takes 20 to 30 minutes per song. Ten percent of songs are analyzed by more than one technician to ensure conformity with the standards, i.e., reliability.

Basically what you do is enter in an artist that you like, and it finds more artists with similar music and creates a playlist around that. I currently have my Nicola Conte Radio playing---so I'm not only listening to songs by Nicola Conte, but also, The Herbaliser, Juan Tutrifo---and many, many more. It's a lot of fun to see what comes up and there's nothing random, or computerized, about the song selections. The first fits in with the second, the third, and so on and so forth.

The husband and I have, for a very long time, been fans of Soma FM, but...some of their playlists, particularly the Secret Agent Channel (which I adore simply because they throw out quotes from Bond movies between songs) are highly repetitive. If you don't like a song that's playing on Pandora, however, you can skip right past it---and what's more is that Pandora will take your selection into account, and will play the song less, more, or not at all if you so choose.

It's quite a cool tool, and I highly recommend it.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Is thou name actually Lisa?

I don't know that this is in any way, shape or form a definitive answer, but it's interesting nonetheless:

The University of Heidelberg in Germany says it has identified the woman in Leonardo’s “Mona Lisa”, The Associated Press reported. She is Lisa del Giocondo, wife of Francesco del Giocondo, a Florentine businessman. In a statement on Monday, the college said its library expert, Armin Schlechter, found the answer in a copy of the works of Cicero, where, in 1503, Agostino Vespucci, a Florentine official and friend of Leonardo’s, wrote in the margins that the artist was working on a portrait of Lisa del Giocondo. Surprise? For centuries the Mona Lisa has been known in Italian as La Gioconda. Though anecdotal evidence pointed to Giocondo as early as 1550, vague references in 1517, 1525 and 1540 pointed to others.

Although one wonders why some random Florentine official would have been marking up the columns of a perfectly good copy of Cicero with notes regarding DaVinci's latest project, it's still a pretty cool discovery.

Posted by: Kathy at 09:47 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Just for the record, I finally saw the beginning of The Great Escape last night.

It's too bad I didn't get to see the rest of it because it started at 12:15 am.

(Sooper Sekrit Note to Russ: Dude, you would not believe the number of hits I get from people googling in on the phrase "Harvey Mushman." In fact, I'm the number one reference for it. And people say I've got a lot of useless information rattling around in my brain.)

Posted by: Kathy at 05:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Dumbasses.

Eden Prairie High School administrators have reprimanded more than 100 students and suspended some from sports and other extracurricular activities after obtaining Facebook photos of students partying, several students said Tuesday.

School administrators and the district's spokeswoman didn't return phone calls, but students called in by their deans over the past two days said they were being reprimanded for the Facebook party photos, which administrators had printed out. It's likely, they said, that other students among the 3,300 who attend Eden Prairie will be questioned throughout the week.

Danny O'Leary, a senior who plays lacrosse, said his dean displayed four Facebook photos of O'Leary holding drinks and told him he was in "a bit of trouble." One photo shows him holding a can of Coors beer, another a shot of rum, he said. In yet another, O'Leary is pictured holding his friend's 40-ounce container of beer.

"I wasn't drinking that night," O'Leary said. But that apparently doesn't matter. "I was told each picture was equal to a two-game suspension,'' he said.

O'Leary said he intends to meet with the director of student activities today to discuss the suspensions. He said he will point out that two of the photos were taken two years ago, before he joined the lacrosse team and signed a pledge not to drink.

"I'm personally pretty upset and wondering why someone would collect these photos and turn them in," O'Leary said. "A lot of kids' lives are going to be ruined as far as scholarships and sports are concerned."{...}

I sense the fine and skilled hand of geeks on a mission of retaliation and retribution. Teenage Rambos, only without firepower and without being slathered in baby oil, but who have mad Facebook searching skillz! I mean, seriously, this is pretty sweet retribution simply because it probably didn't take too much time. I would suspect that whomever the mad genius is, they hit a proxy server, obtained new IP number, set up an anonymous Gmail account, loaded up an email with the Facebook links in question and---poof!---hit send. That's efficiency for ya, kids.

Posted by: Kathy at 09:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Reason #342 Why It's Good Not to Have a Car At Times.

The Crosstown, or as it's regularly denoted on the map State Highway 62, is a mess. Has been for years. It is the most illogically constructed bit of freeway in a town where logical construction of freeways is not a highly valued concept. Now, to be fair, when they originally constructed the Crosstown, they got the location just right, which is why it's one of the most highly utilized freeways in town. It shoots straight across from the southwest suburb of Eden Prairie, all the way over to el aeroporto, on the far fringes of east Bloomington. It runs right through highly populated areas and, theoretically speaking, it can (and does) save you boatloads of time on the road, simply because you're not going out of your way just to travel at freeway speeds. It also hooks up with just about all of the major north-south highways, so it's very convenient. The problem is that they goofed---and goofed badly---when they put it together.

Now, I can understand where they thought three lanes would be sufficient for the level of traffic at the time of building. But, the problem is, if you're on the road during rush hour, the thing pretty much slows to a crawl for six hours of a twenty-four hour day, and that's because some genius decided to merge it with 35W north for about a mile, and when it merges, it narrows down to one lane. If Lileks had shot that video at rush hour---which he obviously did not---it would have run for over an hour. Now, this is if you're going west to east; if you're going the opposite direction, you merge with 35W south, and then have to move over one to two lanes, depending on the traffic and where you want to get off, instantaneously to continue traveling west on 62. And when I mean instantaneously, I'm not exaggerating. The split between 62 and 35W south happens in, oh, about a quarter of a mile and you've got to beat cheeks to make it all happen or you're on your way to Albert Lea. It's a nerve wracking experience, because, for some strange reason, no one barreling down the 35W south pike is going to move an inch to let you in. This interchange is, by far, my least favorite in the Twin Cities---and there are lots of other horrendous interchanges in this town. It makes me break into a cold sweat every time I have to drive it, and I am glad, to a certain extent, that they're actually doing something about it---even though it seems as if most of the MNDOT budget has been shifted to fixing the 35W bridge in downtown.

But am I ever happy I don't have to drive it regularly during the construction period! Woohoo! No car=no traveling on in-progress freeways! Yippeee! I knew they'd started work on it, but I'm somewhat surprised at the amount of progress they've achieved, particularly with the bridge collapse. (No car also means not seeing how far they've come with things.) At one point in time, the legislature had the brilliant idea of asking contractors to bid for the job of putting the fixes in place, but since there wasn't any funding for the project, they asked the contractors to foot the bill entirely until they could finally find the money to pay for it. Not surprisingly, no one applied for the job. People want to get paid, and they don't want to have to shell out millions of dollars for supplies and labor, with the hope that the stupid, dysfunctional state government would, at some undetermined point in the future, finally get around to funding the damn job. Apparently, however, they found some coin and work has commenced. This thing is going to be a mess for years to come, and for the time being, I'm ever so happy I don't have to travel through it.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Go and read this NOW.

Not many of us would have the foresight to realize that a. we could die and b. to put down our final thoughts in a post, should that unhappy event come to pass. I'm amazed at what Andrew Olmstead did. Facing your mortality isn't a fun thing to do, whatever the circumstances might be that forced you face facts, but to write a calm, clear and collected post that would get across what you want to say in the event of your death is absolutely amazing.

While I did not even know of Andrew Olmstead's blog before today, and while I'm certain he was a brave man for the simple act of doing what he did, this posthumous post, I have to say, takes the cake for bravery. If you're a blogger, pass this one along. It deserves to be widely read.

Resquiat in Pacem.

{ht: Martini Boy}

Posted by: Kathy at 02:44 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think my personal favorite is the dude who brings his monitor over to the copier machine after the printer toner cartridge explodes on him.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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"Little green men.*"

Seti@home, the project using personal computers to search for radio signals from alien civilisations, is calling for more volunteers to help crunch a vast surge of new data. An extensive upgrade at the world's largest radiotelescope, Arecibo in Puerto Rico, means that data is flowing 500 times faster than before.

When Seti@home began eight years ago it was the first internet computing project that harnessed spare capacity on private PCs for scientific work, and it is still the largest such network, with 320,000 computers involved. They analyse radio signals from space, looking for patterns that might come from intelligent beings rather than natural sources such as quasars, the distant celestial bodies.

If enough new PC volunteers come forward, "we are 500 times more likely to find ET than with the original Seti@home", said Dan Wertheimer, chief scientist of the project, which is based in Berkeley, California. "We're entering an era when we will be able to scan billions of channels. Arecibo is now optimised for this kind of search, so if there are signals out there, we or our volunteers will find them."

If you, too, perhaps would like to help find the little green men, well, go here and volunteer your home's computing power! It's not like you're going to find anything, but really, you've got some spare gigs of memory that can help the cause, right? Donate them! So we will definitively know that we are alone!

*spot the quote. And it's easy peasy, so I fully expect someone to chime in, in a sing-song voice, with the answer.

Posted by: Kathy at 09:02 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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...for movies that will undoubtedly disappoint me when I actually get to see them.

First, we have Jumper.

Hey! Hayden Christensen appears to act for the first time in his career as a Jedi! Who knew it was possible!

Then we have The Dark Knight, which I'm really hoping will. not. suck.

I will admit, when I heard that Heath Ledger had been entrusted with the role of The Joker, I was incredibly skeptical as to whether or not he could pull it off. But, after seeing this, I have high hopes Heath will finally live up to his much advertised, but never yet seen, potential.

And, finally, we have Nim's Island, which is family fare, but it's family fare that I would have dug when I was a kid, so I'll give it a go as an adult.

The fact that Gerard Butler is in it has absolutely nothing to do it. Ahem.

While I will admit, it does have a strong Romancing The Stone feel to it, I'm a sucker for a dude in a fedora. You know, so long as it's Harrison Ford or Gerard Butler sporting the fedora, and not Michael Douglas. Bleh.

Is there anything that you, my devoted Cake Eater readers, are looking forward to being disappointed by in the near future?

Posted by: Kathy at 02:32 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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