If this movie lives up to its trailer, well...wow.

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Shoot the crows or the monarchy will end!

{...} For the six ravens who roam one of Britain's landmark fortresses are under threat from up to 200 crows who have invaded their royal domain, spreading disease and stealing food.

So every Sunday at dawn, before the daily tourist invasion begins, Yeoman Warder Derrick Coyle roams The Tower with his .22 air rifle to cull the crows.

For the beefeater, it is a weighty responsibility securing a haven for the ravens. Legend has it that if the ravens leave, The Tower of London will fall and so will the monarchy.

The 17th century monarch Charles II decreed that there must always be six ravens in residence.

"Urban crows are on the increase and they are a growing problem for us," said a spokeswoman for Historic Royal Palaces, which runs the Tower of London.

"The ravenmaster has his own culling strategy. He goes out at dawn and looks for the crows that he knows are ill -- they have matted feathers and a mangy appearance," she told Reuters.

Rarely has a collective noun been more appropriate in English -- a gathering of crows is known as a murder of crows. {...}

I think the beefeater is going about it the wrong way. One does not need to be kind to crows and cull out the weak ones. You have to make an impression on the entire flock, or so a farm boy friend of mine told me a while back. "Crows," said he, with a malicious grin plastered across his face, "have a deep respect for a .22."

And, no, he wasn't referring to a .22 air rifle.

One has to think that they don't take the monarchy all that seriously if they won't deal with the crow threat with a real rifle.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Nihilist in Golf Pants is throwing himself in with the il papabili.

If he'll mandate that there should be absolutely, positively NO freakin' hand holding (or the equally annoying "offer it up" hand position which is becoming quite popular) during the "Our Father," he's got my vote.

You know, if I had a vote to give.

Alas, a bunch of red-beanied cardinals get that privilege. The Roman Catholic Church ain't a democracy, ya dig? And, I'm a woman, so it's not like the Vatican wants my opinion anyway, unless I've got some testimonial to throw out there on how all women should act more like the Virgin Mary. So, take The Cake Eater endorsement for what it's worth, y'all.

I still want a concession on the hand holding business, though. The dude can throw me a bone if he wants my tithe.

{Hat tip: Chad the Elder, who agrees with me on the hand holding business.)

Posted by: Kathy at 01:23 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Don't tempt me Zonker!

Posted by: Kathy at February 28, 2005 04:38 PM (Tosbv)

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CAKE EATER EXCLUSIVE****MUST CREDIT THE CAKE EATER.

I've mentioned before that the husband enjoys surfing around on the web. Well, after reading this, he was inspired to do a lil' Woodward-style investigative digging.

And lookie what he found.

Well, I must say that explains a whole heck of a lot.

As does this.

"Why are we sitting around with bras on our heads?
"It's ceremonial."

I'd hate to see what they've worked their way up to.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:26 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Gary, Doug and The Ringer would like you to know that they're not profiting from running whatever the hell their blog is called nowadays. (Guys? Can we get a name? Please?)

Although, I have to wonder if Kennedy was slipping The Ringer some Krispy Kreme's on the campaign bus. If so, do Krispy Kreme's count as a kickback?

Posted by: Kathy at 12:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 What do you think we should call it?

Posted by: Gmoney at February 28, 2005 09:23 AM (AwLjd)

2 I haven't the foggiest, darling. I'm afraid titling stuff is not one of my talents. I had enough trouble coming up with my blog's name that I don't think anyone should be coming to me for advice in this regard Good luck, though

Posted by: Kathy at February 28, 2005 12:05 PM (Tosbv)

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One would hope.

Were you hoping for a wrap-up? Well, lose that hope right now. I have absolutely nothing to add to what I already wrote. And that's just fine with me. If you've got a problem with it, well, might I suggest you go and bury your head in Barbra Streisand's cleavage?

Might be a comfy place to assuage your angst, no?

Anyway, that's the end of that.

Although, I still think Hilary Swank's dress was just freakin' awful.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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--- Chris Rock??? Doing pretty well so far.

---Mr. H. "Do you think he's getting a Gap kickback?"

--- I have to give Rock props for being clever about bashing Bush.

That's about all I'll give him props for, though.

I like the take no prisoner's style, but I have to ask---who the hell do they think watches this stuff? Blue staters only?

--- What is this with all the nominees on stage? The Miss America pageant?

--- Renee Zellweger: my boobs are about to pop out. Great dress, though.

Mr H after Chris' Rock's introduction: Deacon Jones? No, she's going to play Star Jones.

--- Yay for Morgan Freeman. Classy man.

--- What the F@#$ is up with Robin Williams' pink shirt. UGH!

You are not a bougainvillea Robin. Have some pride, for fuck's sake!

--- How chintzy is it that they're not allowing the people who aren't actors to go near the stage.

It's like they're lepers.

--- Mr. H: Drew Barrymore's earrings look like my drapery sashes.

---Scarlett Johansson has quite the booty on her.

Pierce...I'll make you some tea, baby. You sound awful.

---Hey lookie! Troy got nominated for something!

---Wow. They let someone come on the stage who wasn't an actor! Woooooh.

---How much you wanna bet Tim Robbins thought Rock was joking about the "boring people about his politics bit?

---Adam Duritz's hair looks like a head of broccoli.

--- Ok, had to clean up the kitchen and clear away the food.

YAY! For Omaha Boy Alexander Payne. Well done, but I think that's it for the night, bub.

The husband just hoped for one of Sidney's Lumet's daughters that the, "bicycle pumps weren't too heavy." (if you're watching, you know the one I'm referring to)

--- Mr H about Andrew Lloyd Weber: "He's such a little troll."

Beyonce is wearing the GNP of a small third world country without an extradition treaty with the US around her neck, on her ears and wrists.

--- Jeremy Irons---who knew he has a sense of humor?

---"BLAME CANADA! BLAME CANADA!"

--- Ok, I would highly recommend flipping to the WE channel, if you've got it.
(Channel 260 on DirecTV if you've got it) Sandra Bernhard and some dude are being catty. Pretty enjoyable, on the whole. And they're on during the commercials.

They're the John Madden and Pat Summerall of the Oscars.

As far as who's who, I have no idea.

--- COMMIES AREN'T COOL!

Let me repeat: COMMIES AREN'T COOL!

---Oh My! Johnny Depp's girlfriend/wife/whateverthehellsheis has some horrible teeth!

--- Only in Hollywood would someone get a "Humanitarian Award" for film preservation.

---No way this thing is going to be over with by 10:30.

Bets anyone?

--- COMMIES AREN'T COOL!

--- Mr. H.: "Sean Penn: King of the bad haircut."
Personally, I think he needs to get a sense of humor. Still.

---Annette Bening: The Susan Lucci of the Oscars.

Oh, hillary that dress is just freakin' hideous!

--- Here's a question for you: if this is such a big honor, why do the recipients only get a thirty-seonds to say thank you to everyone who got them to that place in life?

Another question: why on earth would you thank your lawyers? Don't they get paid already? Same with the agents? Or do they get cranky and screw with your career if they don't?

--- The husband: Jamie Foxx's come a long way from being the ugly chick on In Living Color

--- Mr H. on Heather Locklear in the L'Oreal commercial: AGE, woman!

--- When Will Martin Scorsese get his Oscar? It's not like he sucks or something like that!

How cute is it that Dirty Harry brought his mom to the oscars?

---The husband on Barbra's dress: "That's two shoulder straps short of a muumuu."

---The husband: "Barbra, it's not your fucking show. Back the fuck up!"
Mr. H.: "And don't forget to go beep-beep-beep when you do.

Posted by: Kathy at 07:40 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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And awaaaay we go with liveblogging!

I've decided that everyone in the apartment has access to the laptop this evening. If a comment is made by Mr. H. or the husband, they will identify themselves. Otherwise, just assume it's me. Wi-fi is a beautiful thing.

Currently we're watching E! Live From the Red Carpet. When we flip channels, we'll try to let you know.

Some observations gained whilst I was throwing together artichoke dip:

--- Star Jones is the worst interviewer ever. If she asks one more person "are they superstitious? Do they have a good luck charm?" I'll smack her. Which of course is only compounded by her fashion sense. What is up with that freakin' tiara? Who does she think she is? The Queen of England? Which leads to the obligatory cheap shot: What's the difference between QEII and Star Jones?

The Queen can afford her own jewelry.

--- Beyonce's earrings looked like overlarge diamond brooms.

--- Every time The Motorcycle Diaries is mentioned, the phrase COMMIES AREN'T COOL! Will be pulled out and bandied about.

--- Helen Mirren is having one of her off-fashion nights. Looks like a flapper.

--- Emily Rossum looks fantastic. Great dress.

UPDATE COMMIES AREN'T COOL! Che Guevara is not the look.

Ok. Star's asking the chick from Maria Full of Grace about her pet allergies. Hmmm.

She deserves to be mocked. Help.

--- I wasn't looking at the TV, but I heard some incompetent presenter tell director Mike Leigh (Vera Drake) that the script "compelled her"....

...?!?! compelled you to what??!! For crying out loud! How do these people keep their jobs as people who speak for a living when they don't understand the fucking language!!?? - The Husband

---Mr. H. has arrived.

Melanie Griffith got some new titties!

--- Clive Owen is hot.

--- Spike Lee is wearing a fez.

The husband just said, "I'm looking at him in that fez and those glasses and I'm seeing Ren Hoek."

--- Random fact: the husband remembers Morgan Freeman when he was on The Electric Company.

--- Everyone here is in agreement that they need to change the camera angle on Star Jones. You can how ill fitting her dress is from two different angles. Her boobs don't fill out her dress (????) and as the husband just said, "Oh, God, bovine back flab!"

I think liveblogging has raised the bar as far as snarkiness is concerned.

--- Sam Jackson always looks great, but I'm not sure about this jacket he's wearing.

Second noted fashion theme of the evening: bed head.

Comb the hair after you roll out of bed, Oprah!

The husband keeps putting his hand to his forehead, like he's got a migraine.

Mr. H: Oprah looks like she should be singing "It's been a long time since I've rock and rolled."

--- Ok, we've switched over to the official preshow on ABC.

I don't like Hilary Swank's dress, but the husband said it looks good.

He said she's too skinny to wear anything too revealing.

--- Annette Bening, god love her, is not aging well. Sorry, chica, but hell...you don't look that great.

---The men of the room just went silent when Halle came on.

They both like her. And think she's hot. Even the gay one.

--- Renee Zellweger according to Mr. H., has a Betty Boop thing going on.

Leonardo Di Caprio NEEDS TO SHAVE God, I hate that goatee. It's such a half-assed bit of facial hair. Eeeeew.

--- Let me repeat this for the people who might not have caught it earlier in the week:

I do not get what people like about Orlando Bloom. Bleh.

----Kirsten Dunst: too damn blonde.

Posted by: Kathy at 05:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 What, no mention of Julia Roberts' lovely new large (milk-filled) breasts?

Posted by: Adrianne Truett at February 28, 2005 09:16 AM (MEXzq)

2 Picky, picky, picky! I sit there and liveblog for five freakin' hours, turn on the snark taps to full and all I get is crap about what I didn't cover! Sheesh! The nerve of some people!

Posted by: Kathy at February 28, 2005 12:08 PM (Tosbv)

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Over the past couple of years, I've hosted an Oscar party at the Cake Eater Pad for some friends. Generally, we get together to eat, drink and be snarky. Good fun all around. Well, this year, ML and the Doctor have the kids, so it's just going to be the husband, Mr. H. and myself. Mr. H. and I decided over coffee this morning that we're going to give live blogging the festivities a good, solid whack.

You are cordially invited to share in the cattiness that is a Cake Eater Oscar Party.

If this is your sort of thing, open a bottle of chardonnay, prepare some munchies, slap on your tiara and your feather boa, prepare your acceptance speech, and stop by this evening. I make no promises about quality content, but if snarkiness is your thing, and you enjoy lampooning Hollywood when it comes out to give itself a collective pat on the back, well...stop on by this evening!

Coverage starts with the pre-shows at 5pm. CST.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:14 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Thanks to everyone for their kind words of support and for keeping their fingers crossed about the Cake Eater Pad situation.

I don't know what the hell is going to happen, but we'll find out soon enough. The husband and I decided yesterday we're going to ignore it until tomorrow. We didn't want our weekend wrecked because of all this crap, so until tomorrow we're officially delusional/in denial.

Second, The Cake Eater Chronicles has officially reached Large Mammal status in the ecosystem. How the hell that happened, I don't know, but it did. I suspect link whoring has something to do with it, but who the hell knows how that ecosystem thingy works. NZ Bear's algorithms are one of the few mysteries we have left to us. It's best left a mystery, if you ask me, but I'm sure some enterprising person will suss it out someday.

While I'm chuffed to be a large mammal, I will admit I'm pretty happy to be the smallest of the large mammals. I don't want to have to worry about being a large large mammal, as well. I have plenty on my plate as it is without worrying about if I look fat in this.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Tweedledumb just called.

The Cake Eater Pad sold yesterday.

And the new owners want us out by the end of March.

As in they want our apartment to live in---because it's the nicer of the two---while they rent out the downstairs unit.

Fuck.

Pray for a miracle. Please.

UPDATE: Well, just got done chatting with the Cake Eater neighbors downstairs. Yesterday we got a call from them telling us that they'd put an offer in on the house. I wondered if their offer had been accepted, and they wanted our apartment to live in.

Turns out their offer was rejected. They hadn't been called by Tweedledumb yet. And they showed me their new six month lease they'd signed with the Great White Hunter landlord and there is a provision in it that if the house sells, well, the lease is terminated.

Which is a new one.

Not only wasn't that clause in our previous leases (we looked), but also Tweedledumb had promised us that any new lease we signed with the GWH would be honored. So we have duplicity on their part. Not like this counts for us, because they never sent us a new lease to sign---even though they'd promised they would, repeatedly--- so it looks like the downstairs neighbors are screwed as well. Even though they haven't gotten a phone call yet.

Sigh.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:19 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Ohhhhhhhhhh crap. I'll be begging for a miracle for ya, Kathy.

Posted by: sadie at February 26, 2005 02:10 PM (4CLu3)

2 Wait a sec...do you have a current lease under which you are operating or do I understand that the old lease expired and you are operating month to month under the old lease? It does make a difference. I'm with Sadie and am begging for a mercy for you. ; )

Posted by: Christina at February 26, 2005 03:05 PM (zJsUT)

3 Our current lease expires at the end of February. Perfect timing, no?

Posted by: Kathy at February 26, 2005 08:11 PM (Tosbv)

4 We just went through that a few months back. The owner of the house we'd rented for nearly ten years decided to sell. First, she said we could stay till the house went on the market in 2005, but then decided we had 6 weeks to vacate. Still getting over the stress of that one. I'll send good vibes your way.

Posted by: Ith at February 26, 2005 08:23 PM (+80Iy)

5 I'm sending my good karma vibes your way.

Posted by: silk at February 27, 2005 05:48 AM (W2z8L)

6 Kathy, I'm so sorry. That really sucks! However, maybe you'll find something nicer with a better landlord, one who actually fixes things!

Posted by: Phoenix at February 28, 2005 11:04 AM (4N2f4)

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(Yeah, sorry. Couldn't quite help myself.)

Victorino over at the Galley Slaves has been ill this past week and has been catching up on a few oldie but goodie movies, like Fatal Attraction.

One choice quote that had me laughing:

{...}I first saw it when I was in high school and what resonated the most was the sturdiness of the kitchen sink. Moen. Buy it for looks. Buy it for sex.{...}

An old boyfriend in high school had the same idea. I must admit, though, he was more obsessed with the freight elevator. Not like he got anywhere with either inspiration, though.

Go read the whole thing. Also check out an addendum to yesterday's Kingdom of Heaven watch.

The Galley Slaves: There's always something interesting going on.

That is, when they're not off sailing around the Caribbean and sucking up to Bill Kristol.

Or doing both at the same time.

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Courtesy of Sadie. I posted over there, then, the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got.

Usually, I can be as snarky as the next blogger. Particularly when it comes to idiotic behavior on the part of showbiz denizens. I generally don't have an issue with this because a. if I can dish it out, I can also take it and b. if someone puts themselves out there they'd better be prepared to take it. Once you throw your hat into the ring---particularly when it comes to Hollywood's PR circus---you're fair game. You'd better be prepared to take it because I have no sympathy at all for people who want all that the PR can buy them, then whine about how "intrusive" it all is.

But this is just fucking mean.

Forgive us, Lord, for it is late in the day and we are so very, very weak. And realize that we are trying, for we spent the last ten minutes debating whether or not to go with the title above or, “Whoa! I know reverse peristalsis.”

Weak is right. At least he got that part right.

Note that Bunsen apparently had fewer qualms about actually posting the photo than he did about whether or not to use that particular headline.

Keanu isn't Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton. He pretty much keeps to himself unless he's got a film out, and even then he doesn't look too enthused to be out there flogging his product. I'm also sure this isn't something he did to try and get people to go see Constantine. It's probably the flu or food poisoning. But because he's an actor, it's fair game when he throws up in public.

I don't think so.

This is cheap. It's a sucker punch. Hence it's not really all that funny.

Rather, it's weak.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Just a friendly reminder to those who have attention spans the size of gnats...

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I skim a lot when I read. Most of the time, I glean what information I need to know, then click away from the page, somewhat wiser about what's going on with the world. There are other times when I do the equivalent of a double-take, clicking away and then clicking back. I did that with this article.

NEW YORK (Reuters) - At one point in Yaron Zilberman's new documentary about a Jewish girls' swim team in Nazi-era Vienna, one of the team members tries to explain the trauma of starting a new life after fleeing Austria in the late 1930s.

"You have no idea. You have no idea," says Ann Marie Pisker, who is now in her 80s and lives in London. "You sink or you swim. And when you're young, you swim."

And, boy, did those girls swim. In the 1920s and '30s the girls of the Hakoah Vienna sports club dominated competitive swimming in Austria.

Hakoah is Hebrew for "the strength" and, as the flames of anti-Semitism were fanned in the 1930s, that's what the Hakoah girls needed to deal with the hatred directed at them by their pro-Nazi rivals, the First Viennese Sports Club.

"We're accustomed to courageous stories about men but these girls competed and faced all this hatred, and I found that really inspiring," says Zilberman during an interview in his apartment overlooking the Lincoln Center performing arts complex in Manhattan.

The Israeli-born filmmaker's new documentary, "Watermarks," recently began a theatrical run in New York and in the coming weeks will be expanding to other cities. {...}

If you're interested, you can find the trailer here.

So, I'm skimming along, nothing is really screaming "man bites dog" for me, and I'm ready to click away...and I do so. But then I click back, because something's just not right. Here's the offending passage:

{...}"This is the victory scene," Zilberman explains "This is the scene where they are victorious. I mean, Hitler died and the whole Nazi regime luckily disappeared and look at them.{...}

{my emphasis}

The reason why these women are now back to swimming at their old club is because Hitler died and the whole Nazi regime luckily disappeared?

Ummm. Hello? I believe a war was fought in the meantime. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers died fighting the lunatic ambitions of a small mustachioed Austrian and his cronies and all it was luck that these women can now swim at their old club? The director's statement implies that, to his thinking, Hitler just offed himself for the hell of it. As if Hitler's death would have been all that was needed to end the madness that was the Third Reich. Contrary to what the current conventional wisdom surrounding Wolfsschanze and the July 20 plot imparts, Hitler's death by no means guaranteed that the war would end.

While I'm as happy as the next person that these women are around to tell their story---and a fascinating story it looks to be, too---has the director completely forgotten who liberated Europe? Has he forgotten the sacrifices involved in completing that bloody and difficult job? Has he honestly chalked it all up to luck?

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Because if I did this....

Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden
Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden

....I might get sued for trademark infringement.

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"It's like I have a shotgun in my mouth, my finger is on the trigger and I love the taste of the gunmetal."

---Robert Downey, Jr.

Nothing pisses me off more than talent wasted on drugs or booze. I hope Sizemore gets his shit sorted.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:12 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I really don't. But for the benefit of those who would send me press releases to announce their runs for a congressional district I care nothing about, I would ask you--- FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY--- to please go and read this.

You've been warned.

Next time this happens I'll start mocking.

And I really don't think you want that, do you?

Posted by: Kathy at 11:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Salted herring is so damn hot.

So is Bowling.

Purrrrrrrrr, baby.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In order to help him with his breathing, they're going to perform a tracheotomy on the Holy Father.

This does not bode well for his survival.

I've prayed more for this Pope than any other. Granted, I've only been alive for three different pontiffs, and one of those only lasted a month, but still. I remember the day he was shot quite clearly. I was in fifth grade and the school prinicpal came over the loudspeaker, asking us all to pray for the Holy Father as someone had just shot him. And we prayed right there and then, interrupting math class for good fifteen minutes. We hoped he would get better. Surprisingly, he did, too. He was a hale and hearty man...then.

I'm praying for a different option this time around. It feels odd, I will admit. But it's time.

The Catholic Church teaches its members that there is value in suffering. It's one of our central tenets. I believe John Paul II has done more to teach us about this than any other pope. He shouldn't have to still be teaching us about the value of suffering, though.

He's done his bit.

Posted by: Kathy at 02:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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