The Day Three winner in the FIRST (AND LAST) CAKE EATER STAR WARS TRIVIA CONTEST is...

Doug. Again. Kevin of Eckernet, while giving it a valiant try, nonetheless just wrote "ditto" to Doug's answers. That, in my humble Empire-running opinion, just doesn't cut the mustard. Ya gotta show me your work, dude. So, after giving it a day, I will say this much: you can email me your answers if you'd rather not dump them into the comments. Sigh.

Anyway, Day Three Trivia Contest Answers can be found after the jump. more...

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So, if it's Tuesday, it must be Demystifying Divas Day, eh? Actually there's no question about it: it is Demystifying Diva Day, and the topic we're manhandling this week are scents.

The nose is a particularly funny looking part of our bodies. I mean, honestly, have you ever actually looked at your nose? It is, by all aesthetic rights, a silly thing. It sticks out, for no apparent reason. It could be big, it could be small. It could be wide, or it could be so small that when your nostrils flare on an angry exhale, you look like a pissed off chihuahua. But what the hell is it there for? Why do we have this incongrous thing sticking out of the middle of our faces? The answer, my dear friends, is to smell things. Because we need our sense of smell, as it is necessary to our survival as human beings as our hearing, sight and taste.

It's easy to forget nowadays, when everyone is so very interested in making everything smell like nothing (or everything, as the case may be) that we need that big proboscis on our faces to keep ourselves alive. After all, how can you tell if your food or drink is spoiled when it looks perfectly fine? How can you tell when you're in trouble? Because you smell the fear coming off your comrades---and yourself---in the form of body odor. You can smell sickness. And since it's generally an unpleasant smell, you know to stay away, hence keeping yourself from catching a nasty illness. You can also smell the putrid odor of the decay of death and you know to stay away from that as well. Smell is as crucial to human beings ability to survive as the ability to see the bus that's barrelling at you at 45 m.p.h. These drastic examples aside, smell is also crucial to the survival of the human race for another reason: it helps you find the person you're supposed to mate and reproduce with.

Now, personally, I believe that in this day and age we are too obsessed with scent---and not in a good way. How many ads do you see for a product that appeal to your sense of smell during your favorite one hour tee vee show? Think about it for a minute. Just off the top of my head I can think of laundry detergent, fabric softener, cleaning products, air fresheners, shower soap, lotion, arthritis rubs...and this doesn't even count the ads for actual perfume. A primary selling point of these products is that they appeal to your sense of smell in a positive way. We like things to smell nice: our clothes, our houses, our air, but most importantly, our bodies. We want these things to smell nice because it's not fun, in this day and age, to have things that don't smell nice, because that will bring social ridicule upon us. Hence I believe we go a bit overboard in an effort to avoid said ridicule. People make fun of other people who don't wash on a regular basis, hence we find a soap that not only makes us clean, but gives off a fragrance to cover up any body odor we might give off during the course of the day. In fact, the anti-bacterial properties of soap are there, primarily, not to keep you from being sick or becoming infected, but because bacteria is the stuff that makes us smell perhaps not so fresh. You can sweat all day long, but you won't start to smell unless that sweat combines with bacteria. We find a fabric softener that not only keeps the static cling away, but also radiates a powerful flowery fragrance, because that smells better than our own natural smell, which can and will cling to clothes. Fragrance, these days, is just as powerful a marketing factor as the primary purpose of whatever product the fragrance is attached to. As such, I think we've lost quite a bit, and perhaps---just perhaps---are making life more confusing for ourselves. After all, would you rather know what a potential mate smells like, and be able to discern what you find attractive by that, or would you rather judge them by the smell of the fabric softener they use? How can you tell nowadays just what a potential mate smells like when they're bathed, head to toe, in loads of different fragrances?

Now, speaking for myself, I like a man to smell like, well, a man. I refer you to a passage I wrote for the never-finished, forever-being-tweaked manuscript. I'm not going to set it up for you: you don't need to know. Surprisingly enough, this passage hasn't been tweaked too much and has survived a few ruthless edits simply because I like the way I put it the first time round:

"...but to smell him? That was a thing of beauty. He smelled like a man should smell: of utilitarian soap, small, minty traces of the shaving cream heÂ’d used, the wool of his damp overcoat, the starch the drycleaners had used on his shirt, the one whisky heÂ’d allowed himself at the party, and the beginnings of sweat and hormones. She could remain in that miasma for hours and feel nothing but pleasure."

I can conjure all those smells from memory, separately and I can also throw them together as well. Can you? I'm pretty sure you can, and you probably have your own notions of what will and does smell good on your own potential mate. I'm not a big one for men dousing themselves with cologne. I think a man who simply washes on a regular basis smells good. Yet, I will shamefully admit, there was a time that I would gladly follow a man around, like I was the village idiot, when they wore this. Oh, God did that stuff ever smell good to my eighteen-year old nose. I would like to think---ahem---that it was because it accentuated what I thought smelled good on a guy naturally, but that would just be my brain trying to justify my actions. The stuff, in all actuality, appealed to my baser instincts. My hormones ran over whenever I caught a whiff of that stuff. That stuff was ambrosia. I'm getting shivers even now just thinking about it. (Meeeeow!) Not to put too fine a point on it, let's just say that my good sense went straight out the window when a man who was wearing Drakkar walked by. He could have been a complete and utter troll: I didn't care. He was wearing the stuff that appealed to my hormones. And, in that shameful admission, I believe we find the answer to why we're so busy trying to deceive our noses with all the fragrances we use: because they might make us more attractive, more appealing to the opposite sex; they might cover our flaws; they might level the uneven playing field that is the battleground to find a mate---they allow us to think maybe we've got the high ground. What's sad, however, is that you may, in all reality, be down in the swamp and you might not know it because you can't smell it over all the fragrances wafting around you.

Ok, enough with the longwinded bullshit. Now it's time for you, my devoted Cake Eater Reader, to go and read what the other DeliciouslyDiabolical Demystifying Divas have written. Make sure you go over and welcome one of our Divaesque Ladies, Ruth, at Chaos Theory, who has chimed in as well today. As always, in the spirit of equality, make sure to check out what the fearsome foursome that is The Men's Club---Puffy, Phin, Zonker and The Wiz---have produced on this topic as well.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:57 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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You know, I could, conceivably understand why you would want to set up a website for a wedding. It would, if nothing else, save on all the mass-e-mailings, etc. But why on earth, when you're providing this valuable service for your guests, would you post your story as well? Shouldn't they already know that? I mean, come on, kids. You're just opening yourselves up to a (much deserved) world of hurt. Particularly when you're a pair of politicos.

{...}One day, which was a day of great tragedy for our world and country — September 11 th , 2001 — Pat and Laura made independent decisions that they we were not going to allow terrorists to take away that which is most sacred to Americans - the right to vote, for September 11 th was an election day in Saint Paul. They each voted that day and they each traveled similar paths to an election night gathering party at Mancini's. It was a time for Americans to be together, and they needed that time. That night, Pat and Laura sat next to each other, talked, and looked into each other's eyes. They were the same.

But it was not that fateful day when Pat and Laura officially came together. Some time later, while Pat was sitting at home watching another stimulating rerun of Happy Days, most likely the one where Fonz had to get glasses, Pat's phone rang. The voice sounded like Laura. Was she calling to ask Pat on a date? Not even Andy Summers could imitate someone that well. It definitely wasn't Duff, as the tone was sweet and devoid of references to violence. It was indeed an actual woman calling Pat, and it was actually Laura. For this one brief moment, Pat was surely the Fonz, although with a tattered brown sweater and oversized khakis. {...}

I'm as much of a sap as the next person. Probably more so. But, really, I'm trying to resist the urge to vomit.

I mean, c'mon girls. Aren't you just dying to make your guy feel like the Fonz?

{Shudders}

Many congratulations to the happy couple and all, but sheesh. Watch what you share, eh?

{Hat Tip: Fraters}

Posted by: Kathy at 05:06 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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"I mean, seriously. Blog feuds are like watching Trekkies fight over who has the more authentic-looking rubberized Spock ears."

Posted by: Kathy at 04:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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INDC Bill wonders whether or not he's jumped the shark with his mockery of the llamas.

Well, if he hasn't, I surely have.

{Decent God-fearing people should not take the jump. The rest of ya, well, since you're going to burn in hell with me, come on down!)

*via email more...

Posted by: Kathy at 02:24 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Go Now.

Realize this is not fiction, either.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:33 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 It would appear I am in your debt today. You are a gracious lady.

Posted by: Christina at May 02, 2005 03:03 PM (zJsUT)

2 You're not in my debt. I like spreading good karma

Posted by: Kathy at May 02, 2005 03:29 PM (RFVZA)

3 I went and read, as instructed. That was quite something, wasn't it? I was unclear on the relationship between the woman and the writer. Are they one in the same? I just hate to assume these things, you see.

Posted by: RP at May 02, 2005 08:19 PM (X3Lfs)

4 That's Chrissy's mother. Quite an amazing story, no?

Posted by: Kathy at May 02, 2005 09:11 PM (RFVZA)

5 Her mother. Really? That was an amazing story, yes. I hope it all works out for her.

Posted by: RP at May 03, 2005 02:25 PM (LlPKh)

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Phin has moved into his new fishbowl. He moved because the old neighborhood wasn't doing so well and this new bowl has nicer owners who are willing to clean things out every now and again so the poor wee fishie isn't swimming around in muck all of the time.

Go on over and check him out!

Posted by: Kathy at 01:18 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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That Mac users need help, but here it is anyway.

{...}The fact that we have an entry today is a testament to Tiger, the new Mac OS. Friday night I went to the Mall (took Gnat, so she may have a dim memory of these wondrous times) to get OS X 10.4, promising her we’d get ice cream. Here’s a sign of how much Apple-flavored Kool-Aid I’ve consumed: as we approached the store I noted the jam-packed parking lot and thought gee, I hope they’re not all here for the new operating system – what if they’ve run out? (It was seven PM, one hour after they’d opened the doors.) Then I realized that most people were here for crude, base things like movies or meals, and relaxed. There was a cattle-chute marked off my ropes that had contained the mob until six; one employee told me people had been queued since three. Three hundred and fifty people were waiting when they opened the doors. At the Mall of America, the line stretched halfway down the length of the Mall, which is no small accomplishment. All this for widgets?

Yes. Yes, indeed. That’s why we’re here: widgets. The new OS has a handy little feature called “Dashboard” – hit F12, and the screen fills with mini-apps of varying usefulness. I don’t need an analogue clock, for example. The FedEx tracking widget will come in handy someday. The Flight Tracker widget, which displays flight speed, position, arrival time, is cool beyond measure. But there’s a dictionary widget, a phone book, a weather program, and an FTP widget that makes uploading this site a thing of beauty – I just hit F12, drag the file to the widget, and voila. In the old days I opened the program, logged in, navigated to the proper folder, and dragged it over: four steps. FOUR! This is 2005: I don’t have time for four steps. Now it’s two steps. I will spend the extra time learning how to sculpt marble.{...}

Dude. We Windows users also have "widgets." It's called Google. All of those lovely tricks and treats you silly Mac users lined up for hours for on Friday are available in Google. Want to track a flight? Just enter the flight number in to Google and the information will pop up. Want to track a UPS or FedEx package? Just type the number into the Google engine and VOILA! There's your information.

That these people waited in line for hours and PAID FOR stuff they could get for free means they are officially in need of deprogramming at a de-culting center somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Neither should they be let back into society without a court order confirming said de-culting is complete.

I've mentioned before that Lileks' mall is my mall. Whenever we're down there, I cannot help but note that there's an oxygen bar right next door to the Apple Store. It's times like this when I'm absolutely, positively sure the oxygen bar's tanks are leaking.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:39 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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...about the level of dorkdom I've been showing over the past couple of days.

I should not have feared, it seems. Just when you think you're a dork, someone else comes along and totally outdoes you.

Posted by: Kathy at 12:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Ok, here are your questions for Day Three of the FIRST (AND LAST) CAKE EATER STAR WARS TRIVIA CONTEST!

{Insert reminders about not Googling the answers here}

• What did Luke refer to when he told Leia, "In time, you'll learn to use it as I have"?
• Who reached for his laser pistol when an Ewok stuck a spear in his face?
• Who sees Luke before the first Death Star battle and exclaims, "I don't believe it! How'd you get here"?
• What enemy vehicles did the Rebels first spot from Echo Station 3T8?
• Who first saw the mynocks crawling on the Millenium Falcon's hull?
• What did Luke not know the power of, according to Darth Vader?

Throw your answers in the comments, please. Don't send any more secretive Imperial transmissions to the email box because you're afraid the Rebels might intercept them.

Or I'll do that Darth Vader choke-hold thingy.

Posted by: Kathy at 11:43 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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No winners in yesterday's edition of the--ahem--FIRST (AND LAST) CAKE EATER STAR WARS TRIVIA CONTEST!

Hmmph.

Answers can be found after the jump. more...

Posted by: Kathy at 11:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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That magnificent wee bastard is back!

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Tonight. 8 pm CDT on FOX.

Be there or you will have confirmed the worst ideas I have about you.

Posted by: Kathy at 01:35 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Are ya ready for the next set of questions? You are? {Nods head and rubs hands together} Excellent.

Let's get this show on the road. Reminders about not googling the answers shouldn't have to be given. Neither---I shouldn't have to add but I will---should you pop your very much beloved and heavily guarded VHS tapes of the original series into your VCR to find the answers.

But, you say, how the heck will she know if I do that? Well, I won't. I can only refer you to what my mother used to say to me when I whined about cleaning behind the sofa, because, to my mind, no one would ever really know if we did or not. She said, usually in an ominous voice: "GOD WILL KNOW!"

So, I ask you, my devoted Cake Eater Readers, do you really need that sort of a guilt trip hanging over your head, particularly when you probably already skipped church this morning?

I didn't think so.

Anyway, here we go: Day Two Questions. Answers and winners will be posted whenever I get around to it tomorrow.

• What Rebel pilot boasted, "Right now I feel I could take on the whole Empire myself"?
• Whose shuttle had the code designation of ST-321?
• Who was Luke's wingmate during his first pass against the Imperial Walkers on Hoth?
• How many moons were visible above the planet Hoth?
• Who piloted the sand skiff away from the battle at the Sarlacc pit?
• What was Obi-Wan Kenobi's last line in Star Wars?

Posted by: Kathy at 12:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 So... uh... how DID you know that we skipped church this morning??? Mind you, it was 11.30am when we woke up and we didn't OFFIICALLY go to bed until 5.30am... so technically we didn't skip it right? Ahem.

Posted by: Stigmata at May 01, 2005 12:47 PM (ddzYA)

2 What? Stiggy, haven't you figured it out yet? I am God. Or at least I am until He strikes me down for blasphemy. Ahem. Bygones.

Posted by: Kathy at May 01, 2005 12:56 PM (RFVZA)

3 *fires a lightning bolt* blast! i missed

Posted by: God Himself at May 01, 2005 03:21 PM (ddzYA)

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In the First (And Last) Cake Eater Star Wars Trivia Contest our Day One Winners are...

Doug

and....

Katie.

Well done, my young Jedis. Way to have some fun! I'm proud! If you're so inclined, send me your pics and I'll p'shop ya. (Although, I think I'm going to do one for Doug because that picture on his blog is just begging for fiddling.)

Answers to Day One's Questions are after the jump. more...

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