October 01, 2003
(Note: The following is sent
(Note: The following is sent in by 'The Doctor' and dutifully published by 'The Husband' as per instructions from Kathy.) When
Kathy asked me if I could post a blog while she basked on the beaches
of Florida, I initially declined. However after deep reflection, much
consideration, and reading the blogs of Mr. H and ML, I decided that
they were having too much fun and I wanted a piece of the action. I am
not one to be left in the dust! I am Kathy̢۪s friend known generally
as “the Doctor.†This time last year, I was comfortably ensconced
in beautiful Altadena, CA. I was single. I was a successful
professional. It was warm in the winter. Snow? That was for skiing and
was hours away. You left it when you were done on the hills. Then one
morning last July I awakened to find I was living just a stones throw
from E-DINA, to find that I had a wife, three teenaged kids, a house, a
dead elm tree in the back yard, two new jobs and Mr. H living in the
basement. To plagiarize a Talking Heads song, for those of you who
remember the Talking Heads, “This IS my beautiful house; This IS my
beautiful wife; This IS my beautiful life.â€
Yes my friends, despite the weather, Los Angeles and other parts of
California are not the paradise the Rose Parade Committee leads you to
believe. Sure, the Rose Parade looks tempting in January – oooooooh
look at those beautiful hillsâ€Â¦.look at all those people in SHORTS on
New Years Day. I am CERTAIN that years ago one of the Rose Parade
Presidents sold their first born child to a gypsy who then blessed the
parade with good weather year after year after year. Of course, they
don̢۪t tell you about the idiots who on New Years Eve shoot guns off
to celebrateâ€Â¦..and we aren’t talking blanks (c’mon, everyone
knows that gravity does not apply on a holiday). What goes up just
stays up and never comes back down to earth. Let a guy have some fun
will ya?? The Rose Parade cameras also never seem to show the SMOG that
is so thick for most of the year you cannot see those picturesque San
Gabriel Mountains, even when you are 5 miles below them. I lived at the
foot of those hills for the past three years. Giving directions to the
house went something like this: “When you get to Lake Avenue, go
north towards the mountains. You can̢۪t see them but they ARE
there.†The Rose Parade cameras don’t show you the traffic. Los
Angelinos plan their lives around traffic patterns. I arose each
morning no later than 5am so that I could be out of the house by 6 to
make my 35 minute commute to work which, with traffic took about one
hour – provided there were no SIG alerts. Almost 20 years in LA and I
never did learn what “SIG†stood for – but the announcement of a
SIG alert was cause for alarm and an immediate increase in the volume
on the radio. The best definition of a SIG ALERT is “traffic jam
lasting 3 hours minimum.†Before leaving work at night you also
learned to check the traffic report on the computer. If it was raining,
you left early – whyâ€Â¦.because the freeways flood and because Los
Angelinos can never seem to remember that cars don̢۪t stop very well
on wet roads. Don̢۪t be fooled! The Rose Parade Committee is made up
of REALATORS! They WANT you to move to LA! And just so you are not
fooled—the City by the Bay (aka San Francisco) is not much better and
is just as expensive, if not more.
California is not without qualitiesâ€Â¦.notice I did not specify WHAT
qualities. Where else can you go and have someone of Arnold
Schwarzenegger̢۪s FINE CALIBER as Governor (well, other than back a
few years here in MN). For those of you that think that Aah-nold is
going to do a good job in CA, close your eyes and imagine this: Jesse
Venturaâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦shorter and with hairâ€Â¦..with absolutely NO
experienceâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦.on steroids. For those who hold the opinion that with
Aah-nold as the “Governator†government will be run more like a
business,†I quote my erudite brother John’s letter to the LA
Times: “Are the speakers referring to Enron, Global Crossing or
Tyco?†Had I been writing Johnny’s letter I would have reminded the
LA Times that Aah-nold ran a businessâ€Â¦.a FAILED business called
Planet Hollywood. However, unlike Jesse Ventura, Aah-nold has never
governed---in fact, he hasn̢۪t even PLAYED a governor on TV or in the
Movies. At least then he might be able to ACT like a Governor.
Ahhh but I digress. I do wish my California friends well in this next
chapter in their lives. Of course, if Aah-nold doesn̢۪t work out you
can always spend another 68 million for a recall and throw an “Hasta
La Vista, Baby†party.
Kathy asked me if I could post a blog while she basked on the beaches
of Florida, I initially declined. However after deep reflection, much
consideration, and reading the blogs of Mr. H and ML, I decided that
they were having too much fun and I wanted a piece of the action. I am
not one to be left in the dust! I am Kathy̢۪s friend known generally
as “the Doctor.†This time last year, I was comfortably ensconced
in beautiful Altadena, CA. I was single. I was a successful
professional. It was warm in the winter. Snow? That was for skiing and
was hours away. You left it when you were done on the hills. Then one
morning last July I awakened to find I was living just a stones throw
from E-DINA, to find that I had a wife, three teenaged kids, a house, a
dead elm tree in the back yard, two new jobs and Mr. H living in the
basement. To plagiarize a Talking Heads song, for those of you who
remember the Talking Heads, “This IS my beautiful house; This IS my
beautiful wife; This IS my beautiful life.â€
Yes my friends, despite the weather, Los Angeles and other parts of
California are not the paradise the Rose Parade Committee leads you to
believe. Sure, the Rose Parade looks tempting in January – oooooooh
look at those beautiful hillsâ€Â¦.look at all those people in SHORTS on
New Years Day. I am CERTAIN that years ago one of the Rose Parade
Presidents sold their first born child to a gypsy who then blessed the
parade with good weather year after year after year. Of course, they
don̢۪t tell you about the idiots who on New Years Eve shoot guns off
to celebrateâ€Â¦..and we aren’t talking blanks (c’mon, everyone
knows that gravity does not apply on a holiday). What goes up just
stays up and never comes back down to earth. Let a guy have some fun
will ya?? The Rose Parade cameras also never seem to show the SMOG that
is so thick for most of the year you cannot see those picturesque San
Gabriel Mountains, even when you are 5 miles below them. I lived at the
foot of those hills for the past three years. Giving directions to the
house went something like this: “When you get to Lake Avenue, go
north towards the mountains. You can̢۪t see them but they ARE
there.†The Rose Parade cameras don’t show you the traffic. Los
Angelinos plan their lives around traffic patterns. I arose each
morning no later than 5am so that I could be out of the house by 6 to
make my 35 minute commute to work which, with traffic took about one
hour – provided there were no SIG alerts. Almost 20 years in LA and I
never did learn what “SIG†stood for – but the announcement of a
SIG alert was cause for alarm and an immediate increase in the volume
on the radio. The best definition of a SIG ALERT is “traffic jam
lasting 3 hours minimum.†Before leaving work at night you also
learned to check the traffic report on the computer. If it was raining,
you left early – whyâ€Â¦.because the freeways flood and because Los
Angelinos can never seem to remember that cars don̢۪t stop very well
on wet roads. Don̢۪t be fooled! The Rose Parade Committee is made up
of REALATORS! They WANT you to move to LA! And just so you are not
fooled—the City by the Bay (aka San Francisco) is not much better and
is just as expensive, if not more.
California is not without qualitiesâ€Â¦.notice I did not specify WHAT
qualities. Where else can you go and have someone of Arnold
Schwarzenegger̢۪s FINE CALIBER as Governor (well, other than back a
few years here in MN). For those of you that think that Aah-nold is
going to do a good job in CA, close your eyes and imagine this: Jesse
Venturaâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦shorter and with hairâ€Â¦..with absolutely NO
experienceâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦.on steroids. For those who hold the opinion that with
Aah-nold as the “Governator†government will be run more like a
business,†I quote my erudite brother John’s letter to the LA
Times: “Are the speakers referring to Enron, Global Crossing or
Tyco?†Had I been writing Johnny’s letter I would have reminded the
LA Times that Aah-nold ran a businessâ€Â¦.a FAILED business called
Planet Hollywood. However, unlike Jesse Ventura, Aah-nold has never
governed---in fact, he hasn̢۪t even PLAYED a governor on TV or in the
Movies. At least then he might be able to ACT like a Governor.
Ahhh but I digress. I do wish my California friends well in this next
chapter in their lives. Of course, if Aah-nold doesn̢۪t work out you
can always spend another 68 million for a recall and throw an “Hasta
La Vista, Baby†party.
Posted by: Kathy at
07:46 AM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 847 words, total size 5 kb.
(Note: The following is sent
(Note: The following is sent in by M.L. and dutifully published by 'The Husband' as per instructions from Kathy.)Have
you had your first cup of coffee this morning?? No - get one! Then you
can read this. I am a morning person. I get out of bed wide awake and
need no intravenous coffee drip to jump start my brain or body. That
makes a fabulous combination for the parent of 3 pre-teen and teen-aged
kids. First cup drained? Have you had your donut or pop-tart to begin
the daily artery-clogging? Can̢۪t eat in the morning, food makes you
nauseated if eaten before 10:00 a.m.? Damn, by 10:00, I̢۪ve already
had breakfast and at least one or two rounds of morning snacks. I am
almost 40, eat all day long and am a size 8 dress. Yeah, yeah, quit
whining and drink another cup of your gut rot coffee. I am a friend of
Kathy̢۪s, I live with my wife, three kids and Mr. H. in a cozy house
in Minneapolis, a stone’s throw from Kathy and “the husband’sâ€
warm writer̢۪s garret. I am a practicing Catholic, albeit, in a VERY
liberal and progressive Catholic church.
Enough of this chit-chat, if I wanted to shoot the shit this early with
a bleary-eyed “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of
coffee†person, I’d awaken my wife or traipse downstairs and bang
on the door of yesterday̢۪s guest blogger, Mr. H. Now then, do any of
you have a serious love of shoes? I mean, do you have an entire closet
devoted to shoes? Do you dress from the feet up? Do you notice a
persons shoe selection before you notice their breast size or muscle
definition? If you can answer yes, to the above questions you may be in
need of some sole therapy. And I am your sole-mate. Below is an excerpt
from the lecture I gave to the 50 million-member religious organization
that I am the head of, Sole Mates and Holy Feets: (yeah, yeah, I
practice two religions, shoes and parts of Catholicism)
Do you have a weakness for shoes? When you go on vacation, do you need
a separate suitcase to carry the shoes and boots you just can̢۪t
travel without? Do you come home from vacation with more pairs of shoes
than you left with? Does your shoe collection at home rival that of the
Nordstrom shoe department? If these questions leave you squirming in
your seat, giggling quietly behind your hand or uneasy, lest the
husband or wife read these questions and nod knowingly in recognition,
don̢۪t be alarmed, you̢۪re not alone. Many adults suffer from IMS,
Imelda Marcos Syndrome. I too have been a long-time sufferer of IMS. I
was diagnosed back in the early 1980̢۪s with a full-blown case and
have been seeking a cure for a year now. Undiagnosed Imelda Marcos
Syndrome can lead to other issues that may require treatment, like
obsessions with certain shoe designers or brand name shoes: Steve
Madden, Kenneth Cole, Birkenstock or Chuck Taylor All-Stars (purple,
orange or dark blue, with white laces in hi-tops in canvas -- oops,
sorry. I̢۪m trying to quit!) If left unchecked there could be
significant repercussions such as collection of favorite shoe in many
colors, insufficient space in shoe room or shoe closet for all the
canvas and leather tumbling out, depletion of bank account. This last
repercussion may lead to a nuisance known as the ‘angry spouse.’ If
left unchecked for a period of years, one̢۪s husband or wife may not
grasp the severity of the IMS condition in their spouse. The ‘angry
spouse̢۪ may not understand that when Isaac Mizrahi comes out with a
new line of shoes, the lure to purchase them is unbearable. The only
way to ease the torment is to open the pocketbook and purchase a pair
or two. Dark brown suede leather boots with three inch spiked heels and
inset contrasting leather patchwork in leopard skin design around the
cuff and a pair of black and silver evening strap pumps are a necessity
in any woman̢۪s wardrobe. Although you may write a check for $750.00,
there is no need to worry. Isn̢۪t that what the bank gave you checks
for - to use? The angry spouse may not understand your need to own
shoes in every color. Don̢۪t they understand that the wrong shade of
red could make or break an outfit? The ‘angry spouse’ may become
distraught when at month̢۪s end; the checking account reads
“empty.†Remind him or her that they have a credit card to use.
Packing for travel can be a weighty issue. A separate suitcase for
shoes can be heavy and take up one of your two bags allotted by the
airlines. Six to ten pair should be sufficient for most travel outfits.
If you are traveling by car or train, then the numbers of pair can be
significantly increased. Even for outdoor adventure trips you do not
want to be caught with just a pair of hiking boots. The trip in and out
of the woods usually will involve some kind of restaurant dining. You
need shoes and boots appropriate for every occasion. Hiking boots may
offer support and protection on a rocky backwoods trail, but may be out
of place and bulky once back in civilization. A pair of casual loafers
or moccasins will be a more casual chic look than the heavier boots. A
trip that will include elegant evening wear and daily sight-seeing
trips could be a nightmare for paring down the pairs of shoes to be
packed. This type of trip will most likely require a bag that can
comfortably store 7 to 10 pairs of shoes or dress boots. Walking shoes,
gym shoes, casual leather slip-ons, semi-dress one to two inch lunch
heels and a pair of higher heels per evening wear outfit are a must for
this multitasking-type of a trip. Shoes will be essential to a
well-put-together look. Those people with an advanced case of Imelda
Marcos Syndrome will undoubtedly gravitate toward shoes stores and
shoes departments on their travels and will find a pair or two that
would be perfect with an outfit that they have in their suitcase.
Always leave room for expansion of the footwear wardrobe when
traveling. Years ago, during my college years, I studied in Europe for
a semester. When I left home with the other 27 students in my program,
I had two pairs of shoes and one large backpack for a six month
adventure. Let̢۪s just say our week̢۪s excursion to Florence, Italy
was a highlight of my study abroad. I returned home with three pairs of
exquisite pumps. I found a red pair with multicolored inlayed leather,
a dark purple suede pair with three accenting straps over the arch of
the foot and a camel colored pair with cream stitching. In France I
bought a pair of terra cotta colored calf length dress casual boots to
wear out dancing in the evening or to school during the day. In Norway,
I bought a pair of gray Ecco walking shoes long before Ecco was
imported to the United States. I was given as a gift a pair of gorgeous
seal skin winter boots. European footwear fashion is wonderfully
beautiful and long-lasting. The Eccos and seal skin boots lasted 15
years apiece and the pumps from Florence are still in my closet, as
elegant as ever. There is a cure for IMS, but the side affects of
anxiety, insomnia and loss of appetite or excessive eating are common
may lead to depression. Bankruptcy and loss of credit are the only
known cures for Imelda Marcos Syndrome. Being unable to pay for
anything including your rent/mortgage, telephone service, heating or
footwear may cause discomfort to the person inflicted with IMS, but the
long-term goal of eradicating this pernicious disease. The absolute
inability to pay for footwear is the only know cure for IMS. Trying to
wean oneself from entering shoes stores often backfires as access to
the internet lures shoppers to purchase online. Danger! Danger! If any
of your loved ones are inflicted with IMS, treat them gently and by all
means do not compliment or take any notice of their footwear. An Imelda
Marcos Syndrome sufferer loves nothing more than to have their habit
validated, to have their footwear tastes appreciated. And now for
something completely differentâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦..#1 – The Vatican (one of
Kathy̢۪s, Mr. H̢۪s and my favorite subjects!)
U-turn of the week from the Vatican:
condoms are now permissible for people living with HIV/AIDS. As of last
Thursday, the Vatican, in all its wisdom deemed condoms unreliable for
protection from the spread of HIV/AIDS. This is in direct conflict with
reports from The World Health Organization and other health research
bodies. The Vatican moving along the slippery slope of edict
switch-backs found the curve in the road and as of last Friday (my
guess is that many of the world̢۪s Catholics that have their brains
still fully functioning suggested that to denounce condom wearing for
sexually active HIV/AIDS Catholics would be tantamount to giving the
nod to homicide. Reality check in Isle Four! Bring a mop and holy
water; there̢۪s going to be some cleaning up to do! I know you̢۪re
awake now. Enough coffee, your going to be climbing the walls!
you had your first cup of coffee this morning?? No - get one! Then you
can read this. I am a morning person. I get out of bed wide awake and
need no intravenous coffee drip to jump start my brain or body. That
makes a fabulous combination for the parent of 3 pre-teen and teen-aged
kids. First cup drained? Have you had your donut or pop-tart to begin
the daily artery-clogging? Can̢۪t eat in the morning, food makes you
nauseated if eaten before 10:00 a.m.? Damn, by 10:00, I̢۪ve already
had breakfast and at least one or two rounds of morning snacks. I am
almost 40, eat all day long and am a size 8 dress. Yeah, yeah, quit
whining and drink another cup of your gut rot coffee. I am a friend of
Kathy̢۪s, I live with my wife, three kids and Mr. H. in a cozy house
in Minneapolis, a stone’s throw from Kathy and “the husband’sâ€
warm writer̢۪s garret. I am a practicing Catholic, albeit, in a VERY
liberal and progressive Catholic church.
Enough of this chit-chat, if I wanted to shoot the shit this early with
a bleary-eyed “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of
coffee†person, I’d awaken my wife or traipse downstairs and bang
on the door of yesterday̢۪s guest blogger, Mr. H. Now then, do any of
you have a serious love of shoes? I mean, do you have an entire closet
devoted to shoes? Do you dress from the feet up? Do you notice a
persons shoe selection before you notice their breast size or muscle
definition? If you can answer yes, to the above questions you may be in
need of some sole therapy. And I am your sole-mate. Below is an excerpt
from the lecture I gave to the 50 million-member religious organization
that I am the head of, Sole Mates and Holy Feets: (yeah, yeah, I
practice two religions, shoes and parts of Catholicism)
Do you have a weakness for shoes? When you go on vacation, do you need
a separate suitcase to carry the shoes and boots you just can̢۪t
travel without? Do you come home from vacation with more pairs of shoes
than you left with? Does your shoe collection at home rival that of the
Nordstrom shoe department? If these questions leave you squirming in
your seat, giggling quietly behind your hand or uneasy, lest the
husband or wife read these questions and nod knowingly in recognition,
don̢۪t be alarmed, you̢۪re not alone. Many adults suffer from IMS,
Imelda Marcos Syndrome. I too have been a long-time sufferer of IMS. I
was diagnosed back in the early 1980̢۪s with a full-blown case and
have been seeking a cure for a year now. Undiagnosed Imelda Marcos
Syndrome can lead to other issues that may require treatment, like
obsessions with certain shoe designers or brand name shoes: Steve
Madden, Kenneth Cole, Birkenstock or Chuck Taylor All-Stars (purple,
orange or dark blue, with white laces in hi-tops in canvas -- oops,
sorry. I̢۪m trying to quit!) If left unchecked there could be
significant repercussions such as collection of favorite shoe in many
colors, insufficient space in shoe room or shoe closet for all the
canvas and leather tumbling out, depletion of bank account. This last
repercussion may lead to a nuisance known as the ‘angry spouse.’ If
left unchecked for a period of years, one̢۪s husband or wife may not
grasp the severity of the IMS condition in their spouse. The ‘angry
spouse̢۪ may not understand that when Isaac Mizrahi comes out with a
new line of shoes, the lure to purchase them is unbearable. The only
way to ease the torment is to open the pocketbook and purchase a pair
or two. Dark brown suede leather boots with three inch spiked heels and
inset contrasting leather patchwork in leopard skin design around the
cuff and a pair of black and silver evening strap pumps are a necessity
in any woman̢۪s wardrobe. Although you may write a check for $750.00,
there is no need to worry. Isn̢۪t that what the bank gave you checks
for - to use? The angry spouse may not understand your need to own
shoes in every color. Don̢۪t they understand that the wrong shade of
red could make or break an outfit? The ‘angry spouse’ may become
distraught when at month̢۪s end; the checking account reads
“empty.†Remind him or her that they have a credit card to use.
Packing for travel can be a weighty issue. A separate suitcase for
shoes can be heavy and take up one of your two bags allotted by the
airlines. Six to ten pair should be sufficient for most travel outfits.
If you are traveling by car or train, then the numbers of pair can be
significantly increased. Even for outdoor adventure trips you do not
want to be caught with just a pair of hiking boots. The trip in and out
of the woods usually will involve some kind of restaurant dining. You
need shoes and boots appropriate for every occasion. Hiking boots may
offer support and protection on a rocky backwoods trail, but may be out
of place and bulky once back in civilization. A pair of casual loafers
or moccasins will be a more casual chic look than the heavier boots. A
trip that will include elegant evening wear and daily sight-seeing
trips could be a nightmare for paring down the pairs of shoes to be
packed. This type of trip will most likely require a bag that can
comfortably store 7 to 10 pairs of shoes or dress boots. Walking shoes,
gym shoes, casual leather slip-ons, semi-dress one to two inch lunch
heels and a pair of higher heels per evening wear outfit are a must for
this multitasking-type of a trip. Shoes will be essential to a
well-put-together look. Those people with an advanced case of Imelda
Marcos Syndrome will undoubtedly gravitate toward shoes stores and
shoes departments on their travels and will find a pair or two that
would be perfect with an outfit that they have in their suitcase.
Always leave room for expansion of the footwear wardrobe when
traveling. Years ago, during my college years, I studied in Europe for
a semester. When I left home with the other 27 students in my program,
I had two pairs of shoes and one large backpack for a six month
adventure. Let̢۪s just say our week̢۪s excursion to Florence, Italy
was a highlight of my study abroad. I returned home with three pairs of
exquisite pumps. I found a red pair with multicolored inlayed leather,
a dark purple suede pair with three accenting straps over the arch of
the foot and a camel colored pair with cream stitching. In France I
bought a pair of terra cotta colored calf length dress casual boots to
wear out dancing in the evening or to school during the day. In Norway,
I bought a pair of gray Ecco walking shoes long before Ecco was
imported to the United States. I was given as a gift a pair of gorgeous
seal skin winter boots. European footwear fashion is wonderfully
beautiful and long-lasting. The Eccos and seal skin boots lasted 15
years apiece and the pumps from Florence are still in my closet, as
elegant as ever. There is a cure for IMS, but the side affects of
anxiety, insomnia and loss of appetite or excessive eating are common
may lead to depression. Bankruptcy and loss of credit are the only
known cures for Imelda Marcos Syndrome. Being unable to pay for
anything including your rent/mortgage, telephone service, heating or
footwear may cause discomfort to the person inflicted with IMS, but the
long-term goal of eradicating this pernicious disease. The absolute
inability to pay for footwear is the only know cure for IMS. Trying to
wean oneself from entering shoes stores often backfires as access to
the internet lures shoppers to purchase online. Danger! Danger! If any
of your loved ones are inflicted with IMS, treat them gently and by all
means do not compliment or take any notice of their footwear. An Imelda
Marcos Syndrome sufferer loves nothing more than to have their habit
validated, to have their footwear tastes appreciated. And now for
something completely differentâ€Â¦Ã¢€Â¦..#1 – The Vatican (one of
Kathy̢۪s, Mr. H̢۪s and my favorite subjects!)
U-turn of the week from the Vatican:
condoms are now permissible for people living with HIV/AIDS. As of last
Thursday, the Vatican, in all its wisdom deemed condoms unreliable for
protection from the spread of HIV/AIDS. This is in direct conflict with
reports from The World Health Organization and other health research
bodies. The Vatican moving along the slippery slope of edict
switch-backs found the curve in the road and as of last Friday (my
guess is that many of the world̢۪s Catholics that have their brains
still fully functioning suggested that to denounce condom wearing for
sexually active HIV/AIDS Catholics would be tantamount to giving the
nod to homicide. Reality check in Isle Four! Bring a mop and holy
water; there̢۪s going to be some cleaning up to do! I know you̢۪re
awake now. Enough coffee, your going to be climbing the walls!
Posted by: Kathy at
07:19 AM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 1572 words, total size 10 kb.
--- Ah, so I̢۪m a
--- Ah, so I̢۪m a little late today. But it̢۪s still Friday, so,
technically speaking, I̢۪m all good. My absence, however, was probably
just enough to frustrate the five people who read this thing on a
regular basis: they probably had to do some actual work. For that alone
I̢۪m sorry. However, if you choose to look at the big picture, I̢۪m
sure I̢۪m hampering the productivity of the entire world economic
system (or at least the economic systems attached to those five good
little workers who have internet access at work). Yes, that̢۪s right:
the Cake Eater has gone global. (Well, actually, I started off with
readers in Europe, so technically speaking, it̢۪s already
global: might start shooting for a reader or two in Asia when Google
actually starts pinging this bad boy)
Anyway, I apologize. I don̢۪t know what I was thinking. I̢۪ll try not
to let it happen again.
Because we all know the Cake Eater Chronicles was responsible for that
thousandth percentage drop in global GDP last quarter. I should
probably just shut the hell up: I̢۪m doing more harm than good.
Unless, of course, someone wants to translate this thing into Arabic
and I can go after all those Al-Qaeda nutjobs: their productivity could
use some slashing and burning right about now.
And it appears I need to change the password on this bad boy. Can̢۪t
have the husband hijacking posts. He can get his own damn blog if
that’s the case. Which, by the way, he willâ€Â¦stay tuned for more
details. --- Ok, so I was wondering why they coded DVD̢۪s for different regions. I found out.
Goddamn Hollywood bastards. It̢۪s all about money with them. Never
mind the fact I̢۪ve rented Last of the Mohicans about fifteen times on
VHS. I have obviously not contributed enough coin to the coffers at Fox
Home Video to force them to give me what I want. They probably are just ---eleven years later---managing to
make ends meet on that budget, because, you know, those phony cannon
balls must have cost an effing fortune.
Just to prove my point: let̢۪s have fun with math. It costs $3.50 to
rent a movie at Blockbuster? But, we̢۪ll be fair. It hasn̢۪t always cost $3.50. It used to be $0.99 for non-new releases. I̢۪ll just average it out to $2.25 and call it Even Steven.
2.25 x 15=$33.75
That’s how much I’ve paid to see this movieâ€Â¦and I don’t own it.
I also saw it in the theater: that cost $5.00, if I̢۪m remembering
correctly (It came out when I was in college: there was a choice
between buying beer for the evening, or going to see a movie. Daniel
won, and that should say a great deal). We̢۪re up to $38.75.
If I do figure out how to disengage the coding feature on my DVD player (I’m working on that one), the Region 2 DVD on amazon.co.uk costs ₤13.61plus shipping,
which to the US on this package is ₤3.08, which adds up to a grand
total of ₤16.69, which according to today’s exchange rate is
$27.74, which would make for a grand total of $66.49â€Â¦
â€Â¦which is completely irrelevant because, as I just figured out, I wouldn’t be able to watch it anyway because my @#$%$% television set is not programmed to the PAL format: it’s NTSC.
I am officially screwed.
If anyone has any clever hints, please, by all means throw ‘em down. I want
this movie on DVD. One more moment of obligatory
swearing---@!@#@#$%^%$^&%%#$@$$%# !---and I̢۪m done with it until
Fox Home Video decides to release the theatrical edition on DVD. ---
Ok, CNN has finally come up with something to make me watch their
network in the prime time hours: Anderson Cooper.
Usually, I stay the hell away from that channel after six p.m. Once Lou
Dobbs is gone, the rest of the evening lineup sucks. Paula Zahn---gag.
Larry King---when is someone just going to embalm him and be done with
it? But Anderson is different: he actually has some wit to him. How can
you not like someone who, during a report on how, according to some sex
survey, the residents of Hungary are the most sexually satisfied, has a
cartoon bubble pop up over his head that says, “Must go to Hungaryâ€
? Or who uses “metaphorical video†to get his points across? But
neither does this mean he̢۪s an idiot when it comes to delivering the
news. He asks good questions. I’ll grant you, they’re not Jim Lehrer News Hour questions, but hey, it’s CNNâ€Â¦if you want gritty journalismâ€Â¦well, let’s just say the broadcast medium isn’t for you.
In short, if you̢۪re a wise ass, you̢۪ll like him. He does all of those things you do when you watch the news.
Check out this transcript from tonight̢۪s broadcast. Scroll all the way down to the bottom, and check out his Nth Degree
editorial segment. With all of the hubbub surrounding Arnold and Rush
this week, he decided the subject of apologies would be sufficient
material for his editorial segment. He came up with a multi-purpose
apology for when and if he finds himself caught up in a future scandal.
Now, keep in mind, it doesn̢۪t make a whole lot of sense when read,
but if you take into account that every sentence was filmed separately
and could be spliced together at a future date should he, in fact, find
himself wrapped up in a future scandal, well, it̢۪s pretty damn funny.
Give it a looksee if you get the chance. Oh, and Mr. H., I think you
need look no further for hottie viewing at CNN. --- I shouldn̢۪t be laughing. This is a horrible, horrible thing {snort} to happen to anyone, let alone Roy. {guffaw}.
I hope he gets well soon.
{Bwahahahahahahahahaha!}
{Composing self} I̢۪m a horrible person. I̢۪m very, very sorry.
--- Well, he may not be a poet, but it̢۪s pretty obvious he̢۪s enamored of his wife.
Kinda cute in a Reaganesque sort of way, isn̢۪t it? --- Ok, well,
it̢۪s Saturday now. Time to go to bed. See you on Monday.
technically speaking, I̢۪m all good. My absence, however, was probably
just enough to frustrate the five people who read this thing on a
regular basis: they probably had to do some actual work. For that alone
I̢۪m sorry. However, if you choose to look at the big picture, I̢۪m
sure I̢۪m hampering the productivity of the entire world economic
system (or at least the economic systems attached to those five good
little workers who have internet access at work). Yes, that̢۪s right:
the Cake Eater has gone global. (Well, actually, I started off with
readers in Europe, so technically speaking, it̢۪s already
global: might start shooting for a reader or two in Asia when Google
actually starts pinging this bad boy)
Anyway, I apologize. I don̢۪t know what I was thinking. I̢۪ll try not
to let it happen again.
Because we all know the Cake Eater Chronicles was responsible for that
thousandth percentage drop in global GDP last quarter. I should
probably just shut the hell up: I̢۪m doing more harm than good.
Unless, of course, someone wants to translate this thing into Arabic
and I can go after all those Al-Qaeda nutjobs: their productivity could
use some slashing and burning right about now.
And it appears I need to change the password on this bad boy. Can̢۪t
have the husband hijacking posts. He can get his own damn blog if
that’s the case. Which, by the way, he willâ€Â¦stay tuned for more
details. --- Ok, so I was wondering why they coded DVD̢۪s for different regions. I found out.
Goddamn Hollywood bastards. It̢۪s all about money with them. Never
mind the fact I̢۪ve rented Last of the Mohicans about fifteen times on
VHS. I have obviously not contributed enough coin to the coffers at Fox
Home Video to force them to give me what I want. They probably are just ---eleven years later---managing to
make ends meet on that budget, because, you know, those phony cannon
balls must have cost an effing fortune.
Just to prove my point: let̢۪s have fun with math. It costs $3.50 to
rent a movie at Blockbuster? But, we̢۪ll be fair. It hasn̢۪t always cost $3.50. It used to be $0.99 for non-new releases. I̢۪ll just average it out to $2.25 and call it Even Steven.
2.25 x 15=$33.75
That’s how much I’ve paid to see this movieâ€Â¦and I don’t own it.
I also saw it in the theater: that cost $5.00, if I̢۪m remembering
correctly (It came out when I was in college: there was a choice
between buying beer for the evening, or going to see a movie. Daniel
won, and that should say a great deal). We̢۪re up to $38.75.
If I do figure out how to disengage the coding feature on my DVD player (I’m working on that one), the Region 2 DVD on amazon.co.uk costs ₤13.61plus shipping,
which to the US on this package is ₤3.08, which adds up to a grand
total of ₤16.69, which according to today’s exchange rate is
$27.74, which would make for a grand total of $66.49â€Â¦
â€Â¦which is completely irrelevant because, as I just figured out, I wouldn’t be able to watch it anyway because my @#$%$% television set is not programmed to the PAL format: it’s NTSC.
I am officially screwed.
If anyone has any clever hints, please, by all means throw ‘em down. I want
this movie on DVD. One more moment of obligatory
swearing---@!@#@#$%^%$^&%%#$@$$%# !---and I̢۪m done with it until
Fox Home Video decides to release the theatrical edition on DVD. ---
Ok, CNN has finally come up with something to make me watch their
network in the prime time hours: Anderson Cooper.
Usually, I stay the hell away from that channel after six p.m. Once Lou
Dobbs is gone, the rest of the evening lineup sucks. Paula Zahn---gag.
Larry King---when is someone just going to embalm him and be done with
it? But Anderson is different: he actually has some wit to him. How can
you not like someone who, during a report on how, according to some sex
survey, the residents of Hungary are the most sexually satisfied, has a
cartoon bubble pop up over his head that says, “Must go to Hungaryâ€
? Or who uses “metaphorical video†to get his points across? But
neither does this mean he̢۪s an idiot when it comes to delivering the
news. He asks good questions. I’ll grant you, they’re not Jim Lehrer News Hour questions, but hey, it’s CNNâ€Â¦if you want gritty journalismâ€Â¦well, let’s just say the broadcast medium isn’t for you.
In short, if you̢۪re a wise ass, you̢۪ll like him. He does all of those things you do when you watch the news.
Check out this transcript from tonight̢۪s broadcast. Scroll all the way down to the bottom, and check out his Nth Degree
editorial segment. With all of the hubbub surrounding Arnold and Rush
this week, he decided the subject of apologies would be sufficient
material for his editorial segment. He came up with a multi-purpose
apology for when and if he finds himself caught up in a future scandal.
Now, keep in mind, it doesn̢۪t make a whole lot of sense when read,
but if you take into account that every sentence was filmed separately
and could be spliced together at a future date should he, in fact, find
himself wrapped up in a future scandal, well, it̢۪s pretty damn funny.
Give it a looksee if you get the chance. Oh, and Mr. H., I think you
need look no further for hottie viewing at CNN. --- I shouldn̢۪t be laughing. This is a horrible, horrible thing {snort} to happen to anyone, let alone Roy. {guffaw}.
I hope he gets well soon.
{Bwahahahahahahahahaha!}
{Composing self} I̢۪m a horrible person. I̢۪m very, very sorry.
--- Well, he may not be a poet, but it̢۪s pretty obvious he̢۪s enamored of his wife.
Kinda cute in a Reaganesque sort of way, isn̢۪t it? --- Ok, well,
it̢۪s Saturday now. Time to go to bed. See you on Monday.
Posted by: Kathy at
01:55 AM
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Post contains 1032 words, total size 7 kb.
--- Ok, so I got
--- Ok, so I got sidetracked today. A friend needed some help, and so
I, well, helped. Or at least I think I did. Perhaps just trying will be
good enough in the long run? I dunno. We̢۪ll have to see how it turns
out. Anyway, I̢۪m here, for a short while and then I need to go and
kidnap someone in Sudan. Not literally, but I̢۪m assuming that my
readers have a fine, twisted sense of humor that will allow them to get that joke.
You do have a fine, twisted sense of humor, don̢۪t you? If you don̢۪t this whole page must just baffle the hell out of you.
--- A tantalizing tidbit from The Economist.
It̢۪s tiny, and I couldn̢۪t find a link on their website, so remember
the deal: it̢۪s copyrighted by them, 2003, and you̢۪re not going to
rat on me for pilfering their stuff and reprinting it here. An independent report by a former Finnish president, Martti
Ahtisaari, into the bombing of the UN headquarters in Baghdad on August
19th, when 22 people were killed, put the blame overwhelmingly on the
UN’s own security system, deriding it as “dysfunctional.â€
I must have missed this one. So I went to the UN̢۪s website. Read it for yourself.
You̢۪ll need Acrobat, but as everyone seems to have that on their
systems nowadays, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. “A major deficiency identified by the panel is the lack of
accountability for the decisions and positions taken by UN managers
with regard to the security of the UN staff. It̢۪s interesting, to
say the least. As an aside, I wonder how much money the UN could save
on a yearly basis if they didn̢۪t require authors of their reports to
suck up to the Secretary-General in such an egregious fashion. They
produce how many reports a year? How many pages are devoted to sucking
up in each and every report? God, think of all the trees we could save
if the Sec-Gen just cut back on the ego. --- More Economist for you.
You have to love it when they start off the article with a quote from a Saudi Arabian Sheikh.
“The Stone Age did not end of lack of stone, and the Oil Age will end long before the world runs out of oil.â€
The Saudi Arabian Sheikh in question is Sheikh Zaki Yamani, “who
served as his country’s oil minister three decades ago.†The
writers go on to say that because of viability of hydrogen fuel cells,
and other ways of “storing and distributing energy,†this Oil Age
has the potential for ending sometime soon. As you read it, you get
hopeful, then they start in with the arguments for ethanol and the
expression on your face begins to resemble that of someone who̢۪s just
had to suck on a lemon. “Another alternative likely to become available in a few years
is “bioethanolâ€. Many cars (quite a few of them in America) already
run on a mixture of petrol and ethanol.â€
Well, cars may run on ethanol laced gas, but they don̢۪t do it very well.
“The problem here is cost. At the moment, ethanol has to be
heavily subsidized. But that might alter when biotechnology delivers
new enzymes that can make ethanol efficiently from any type of plant
material. Then, the only limit will be how much plant material is
available.
They referenced an article on page 73 in
support of this thesis. So, I flipped to page 73, and it seems as if
some researchers are looking into ways of bypassing the time factor
that turns green stuff that grows into coal you shovel. On a
theoretical level, this is pretty cool stuff, I will admit. And I̢۪m
generally behind anything that helps us to reduce our dependence on
Middle Eastern oil. We̢۪re playing a big game of Russian Roulette by
keeping these regimes in power: one day, the chambered bullet is going
to come round and smack us smartly in the temple. It will be worse that
Iran in 1979. It’s going to happen. It’s not an ‘if ‘situation,
it̢۪s a when. Pulling ourselves out of the game is the best move we
have available to us.
I̢۪m all for hydrogen fuel cells. I̢۪m all for electric/gas hybrids.
But ethanol? Particularly bioethanol? Come on and get a clue, would
you? When you live in corn country you get a pretty good idea of what
ethanol will do to a fancy engine. Last year, I had the opportunity to
tool around in a very nice Audi A6 for a few months. The husband and I
drove it to Omaha for the holidays, and in a rush to fill up the tank,
I accidentally put in ethanol laced gasoline. The “check engineâ€
light went on, and when I chatted with the dealer about it, trying to
suss out the problem, I said I̢۪d been down south and that I had put
ethanol into the car. “Well, ma’am. Mistakes happen.†I’m not
kidding: that̢۪s what the guy said. I laughed, took the thing in, and
it turned out there̢۪d been a recall on part of the exhaust section
that had been affected by the ethanol. The recall meant I didn̢۪t have
to pay for the repairs and I was happy. Bullet dodged. Crisis averted.
And with an Audi, it could have been a very
expensive problem to fix. Ignorance, on this one however, was indeed
bliss. But ethanol is not only creates expensive car problems, it̢۪s
expensive in general. Massive farm subsidies are attached to this
program. Massive subsidies, that, yes, you guessed it, become an issue
in every Presidential election for the simple reason the caucuses are
held in February in Iowa. This is yet another example of your tax
dollars at work: subsidies for a corn based fuel product that has yet
to prove its viability, even though they̢۪ve been making the stuff
since the late seventies. The farmers love this program because they
make boatloads of cash; the presidential candidates harp on about how
this is the fuel of the future. After all, it̢۪s American ingenuity at
work; it̢۪s the solution that will keep our family farms going and bring our dependence upon Middle Eastern oil to a brake squealing halt. Yes, that̢۪s right, folks, it̢۪s about money.
And whether you choose to believe it or not, there̢۪s an awful lot of
green in Iowa, and I̢۪m not talking just about corn or soybeans.
I̢۪m talking about agribusiness: Monsanto, Cargill, Novartis,
Archer-Daniels-Midland, just to name a few. These are the big boys who
have a great deal invested in seeing ethanol succeed because it̢۪s
good for all of them. If the plans for bioethanol were to succeed, the
seed company business would go beserk; the pesticide business would
boom as well. Then the commodities and futures markets would hit
unheard of highs. It would be great for the economy of agribusiness if
it did succeed. They̢۪d truly be living high on the hog. (Although, as
an interesting, and humorous aside, what would happen to the
protesters? You know the ones I mean, right? The ones who don̢۪t want
genetically modified foods on their table and
who also scream loudly about there never being any blood let for oil?
Would they mind genetically altered seed that grows the gas for their
VW vans? The possibilities are entertaining. I have to think it would
confuse them to no end.) Now, the argument for ethanol comes down to
two fronts, both of which, in my humble opinion are disingenuous. The
first, I̢۪ve already covered: it̢۪s not a good product. It works
poorly and the profit/loss ratio is so far off the balance sheets that
they haven̢۪t made enough paper to keep track of the losses. The
second, however, is that no matter how many family farms become
successful as a result of ethanol succeeding, they are not going to be
the major beneficiaries of the success: the agribusinesses are. So, it
bothers me greatly when Tom Harkin gets up on his soapbox, righteously
slams his fist on the podium and says that family farmers will finally
become the successes we all knew they could be if only the ethanol subsidies continue.
Harkin will let the applause die down and---his demand stated quite
clearly---will go on to say that isn̢۪t it great that this new
technology was developed right here in the heartland, by our own
favorite sons and daughters, and here̢۪s your next president who̢۪s
going to make it even better for you!
Let̢۪s face facts, kids. The family farmer is almost an extinct
species here in America. That̢۪s just the way the ball bounces. Crop
prices dropped dramatically in the 1980̢۪s; farmers who had leveraged
themselves to the hilt, counting on high prices for their crops, went
bust when the money never materialized. It was Darwinism, plain and
simple. The ones that are still in business today either managed to
scrape by, somehow, or they̢۪re the wildly successful variant like
some college friends̢۪ fathers: the type who have two-thousand plus
acres and receive a goodly amount of subsidies already, even though
they have no need for the money; or they have plenty of livestock that
keeps them in business. The former will not be in the farming business
much longer; the latter is holding out for a good price on their land
and will sell to the first agribusiness that offers it to them. The
market has changed, and it̢۪s all well and good to argue that it̢۪s
trade barriers that are keeping the family farmer down. If only they̢۪d lift the tariffs worldwide, we could get a decent price for our crops.
Ok, that is true, but what about the farmers in the developing world?
They̢۪re coming up steady on the horizon and I̢۪ll guarantee their
prices will be cheaper than those of American grown crops. I hate to
say it̢۪s a no-win situation, because no one wants it to be that way,
but the realities of the situation are as such: there̢۪s no getting
around them when it comes to the brutal world market. Particularly,
when agribusiness is pushing from the opposite direction. The family
farmer is stuck in the middle and is getting squeezed and there̢۪s no
arguing over it. So, it bothers me when politicians offer up ethanol as
the solution to all the problems of the family farmer. The family
farmer is not going to benefit from ethanol subsidies: corporations
are. It̢۪s a simple fact: corporations have positioned themselves well
enough that if ethanol does actually succeed, they will reap the
benefits. Is Archer-Daniels-Midland ringing a bell here, you Sunday
morning news shows watchers? A lowly family farmer who still has to
mortgage his or her future to buy a tractor, let alone to purchase the
fancy seed they will plant with that tractor, who counts on getting a
decent price for their crop, who, in part, keeps going on the hope that
they will in a post-ethanol subsidy era, be able to compete with the
agribusiness? It’s naïve in the extreme to think that this is a
possibility. But don̢۪t tell that to any presidential candidates that
come through Iowa, campaigning for votes. The family farmer is still a
voting block, particularly in Iowa, so any presidential nominees must
hop on the ethanol bandwagon if they want to past the first test in the
primary season. In 2000, John McCain had the balls to say during a
debate that he wouldn̢۪t support the ethanol subsidy any longer, and
we all know how well he did. No one, it seems, has made that mistake
this year.
I, well, helped. Or at least I think I did. Perhaps just trying will be
good enough in the long run? I dunno. We̢۪ll have to see how it turns
out. Anyway, I̢۪m here, for a short while and then I need to go and
kidnap someone in Sudan. Not literally, but I̢۪m assuming that my
readers have a fine, twisted sense of humor that will allow them to get that joke.
You do have a fine, twisted sense of humor, don̢۪t you? If you don̢۪t this whole page must just baffle the hell out of you.
--- A tantalizing tidbit from The Economist.
It̢۪s tiny, and I couldn̢۪t find a link on their website, so remember
the deal: it̢۪s copyrighted by them, 2003, and you̢۪re not going to
rat on me for pilfering their stuff and reprinting it here. An independent report by a former Finnish president, Martti
Ahtisaari, into the bombing of the UN headquarters in Baghdad on August
19th, when 22 people were killed, put the blame overwhelmingly on the
UN’s own security system, deriding it as “dysfunctional.â€
I must have missed this one. So I went to the UN̢۪s website. Read it for yourself.
You̢۪ll need Acrobat, but as everyone seems to have that on their
systems nowadays, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. “A major deficiency identified by the panel is the lack of
accountability for the decisions and positions taken by UN managers
with regard to the security of the UN staff. It̢۪s interesting, to
say the least. As an aside, I wonder how much money the UN could save
on a yearly basis if they didn̢۪t require authors of their reports to
suck up to the Secretary-General in such an egregious fashion. They
produce how many reports a year? How many pages are devoted to sucking
up in each and every report? God, think of all the trees we could save
if the Sec-Gen just cut back on the ego. --- More Economist for you.
You have to love it when they start off the article with a quote from a Saudi Arabian Sheikh.
“The Stone Age did not end of lack of stone, and the Oil Age will end long before the world runs out of oil.â€
The Saudi Arabian Sheikh in question is Sheikh Zaki Yamani, “who
served as his country’s oil minister three decades ago.†The
writers go on to say that because of viability of hydrogen fuel cells,
and other ways of “storing and distributing energy,†this Oil Age
has the potential for ending sometime soon. As you read it, you get
hopeful, then they start in with the arguments for ethanol and the
expression on your face begins to resemble that of someone who̢۪s just
had to suck on a lemon. “Another alternative likely to become available in a few years
is “bioethanolâ€. Many cars (quite a few of them in America) already
run on a mixture of petrol and ethanol.â€
Well, cars may run on ethanol laced gas, but they don̢۪t do it very well.
“The problem here is cost. At the moment, ethanol has to be
heavily subsidized. But that might alter when biotechnology delivers
new enzymes that can make ethanol efficiently from any type of plant
material. Then, the only limit will be how much plant material is
available.
They referenced an article on page 73 in
support of this thesis. So, I flipped to page 73, and it seems as if
some researchers are looking into ways of bypassing the time factor
that turns green stuff that grows into coal you shovel. On a
theoretical level, this is pretty cool stuff, I will admit. And I̢۪m
generally behind anything that helps us to reduce our dependence on
Middle Eastern oil. We̢۪re playing a big game of Russian Roulette by
keeping these regimes in power: one day, the chambered bullet is going
to come round and smack us smartly in the temple. It will be worse that
Iran in 1979. It’s going to happen. It’s not an ‘if ‘situation,
it̢۪s a when. Pulling ourselves out of the game is the best move we
have available to us.
I̢۪m all for hydrogen fuel cells. I̢۪m all for electric/gas hybrids.
But ethanol? Particularly bioethanol? Come on and get a clue, would
you? When you live in corn country you get a pretty good idea of what
ethanol will do to a fancy engine. Last year, I had the opportunity to
tool around in a very nice Audi A6 for a few months. The husband and I
drove it to Omaha for the holidays, and in a rush to fill up the tank,
I accidentally put in ethanol laced gasoline. The “check engineâ€
light went on, and when I chatted with the dealer about it, trying to
suss out the problem, I said I̢۪d been down south and that I had put
ethanol into the car. “Well, ma’am. Mistakes happen.†I’m not
kidding: that̢۪s what the guy said. I laughed, took the thing in, and
it turned out there̢۪d been a recall on part of the exhaust section
that had been affected by the ethanol. The recall meant I didn̢۪t have
to pay for the repairs and I was happy. Bullet dodged. Crisis averted.
And with an Audi, it could have been a very
expensive problem to fix. Ignorance, on this one however, was indeed
bliss. But ethanol is not only creates expensive car problems, it̢۪s
expensive in general. Massive farm subsidies are attached to this
program. Massive subsidies, that, yes, you guessed it, become an issue
in every Presidential election for the simple reason the caucuses are
held in February in Iowa. This is yet another example of your tax
dollars at work: subsidies for a corn based fuel product that has yet
to prove its viability, even though they̢۪ve been making the stuff
since the late seventies. The farmers love this program because they
make boatloads of cash; the presidential candidates harp on about how
this is the fuel of the future. After all, it̢۪s American ingenuity at
work; it̢۪s the solution that will keep our family farms going and bring our dependence upon Middle Eastern oil to a brake squealing halt. Yes, that̢۪s right, folks, it̢۪s about money.
And whether you choose to believe it or not, there̢۪s an awful lot of
green in Iowa, and I̢۪m not talking just about corn or soybeans.
I̢۪m talking about agribusiness: Monsanto, Cargill, Novartis,
Archer-Daniels-Midland, just to name a few. These are the big boys who
have a great deal invested in seeing ethanol succeed because it̢۪s
good for all of them. If the plans for bioethanol were to succeed, the
seed company business would go beserk; the pesticide business would
boom as well. Then the commodities and futures markets would hit
unheard of highs. It would be great for the economy of agribusiness if
it did succeed. They̢۪d truly be living high on the hog. (Although, as
an interesting, and humorous aside, what would happen to the
protesters? You know the ones I mean, right? The ones who don̢۪t want
genetically modified foods on their table and
who also scream loudly about there never being any blood let for oil?
Would they mind genetically altered seed that grows the gas for their
VW vans? The possibilities are entertaining. I have to think it would
confuse them to no end.) Now, the argument for ethanol comes down to
two fronts, both of which, in my humble opinion are disingenuous. The
first, I̢۪ve already covered: it̢۪s not a good product. It works
poorly and the profit/loss ratio is so far off the balance sheets that
they haven̢۪t made enough paper to keep track of the losses. The
second, however, is that no matter how many family farms become
successful as a result of ethanol succeeding, they are not going to be
the major beneficiaries of the success: the agribusinesses are. So, it
bothers me greatly when Tom Harkin gets up on his soapbox, righteously
slams his fist on the podium and says that family farmers will finally
become the successes we all knew they could be if only the ethanol subsidies continue.
Harkin will let the applause die down and---his demand stated quite
clearly---will go on to say that isn̢۪t it great that this new
technology was developed right here in the heartland, by our own
favorite sons and daughters, and here̢۪s your next president who̢۪s
going to make it even better for you!
Let̢۪s face facts, kids. The family farmer is almost an extinct
species here in America. That̢۪s just the way the ball bounces. Crop
prices dropped dramatically in the 1980̢۪s; farmers who had leveraged
themselves to the hilt, counting on high prices for their crops, went
bust when the money never materialized. It was Darwinism, plain and
simple. The ones that are still in business today either managed to
scrape by, somehow, or they̢۪re the wildly successful variant like
some college friends̢۪ fathers: the type who have two-thousand plus
acres and receive a goodly amount of subsidies already, even though
they have no need for the money; or they have plenty of livestock that
keeps them in business. The former will not be in the farming business
much longer; the latter is holding out for a good price on their land
and will sell to the first agribusiness that offers it to them. The
market has changed, and it̢۪s all well and good to argue that it̢۪s
trade barriers that are keeping the family farmer down. If only they̢۪d lift the tariffs worldwide, we could get a decent price for our crops.
Ok, that is true, but what about the farmers in the developing world?
They̢۪re coming up steady on the horizon and I̢۪ll guarantee their
prices will be cheaper than those of American grown crops. I hate to
say it̢۪s a no-win situation, because no one wants it to be that way,
but the realities of the situation are as such: there̢۪s no getting
around them when it comes to the brutal world market. Particularly,
when agribusiness is pushing from the opposite direction. The family
farmer is stuck in the middle and is getting squeezed and there̢۪s no
arguing over it. So, it bothers me when politicians offer up ethanol as
the solution to all the problems of the family farmer. The family
farmer is not going to benefit from ethanol subsidies: corporations
are. It̢۪s a simple fact: corporations have positioned themselves well
enough that if ethanol does actually succeed, they will reap the
benefits. Is Archer-Daniels-Midland ringing a bell here, you Sunday
morning news shows watchers? A lowly family farmer who still has to
mortgage his or her future to buy a tractor, let alone to purchase the
fancy seed they will plant with that tractor, who counts on getting a
decent price for their crop, who, in part, keeps going on the hope that
they will in a post-ethanol subsidy era, be able to compete with the
agribusiness? It’s naïve in the extreme to think that this is a
possibility. But don̢۪t tell that to any presidential candidates that
come through Iowa, campaigning for votes. The family farmer is still a
voting block, particularly in Iowa, so any presidential nominees must
hop on the ethanol bandwagon if they want to past the first test in the
primary season. In 2000, John McCain had the balls to say during a
debate that he wouldn̢۪t support the ethanol subsidy any longer, and
we all know how well he did. No one, it seems, has made that mistake
this year.
Posted by: Kathy at
12:57 AM
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